in response to nigel kennedy's music, i wrote a short poem.


" Sometimes i would like to jump
into the deep blue sea,
and fly into the outer space,
where I could confide in the whale
and where stars will become my friends.
If my mum were to ask when I will return,
I would say, " Maybe never."
But dear mum, you need not worry,
because I will be well taken care of
by a love that i have never known."

Jie Jie, 6th April 2004.

the power of ADDICTION is destructive and painfully beautiful.how can one be cured of it?

Our reality

The world seems like an illusion
when we play in our own reality.
I take a walk with you,
and I have forgotten the past.
Rather, the bad memories,
have suddenly become
a beautiful dream.
Into the woods we run,
like kids, unafraid of the darkness
that dwells beyond the boundary.
We thought that we have found
a secret garden
and we play, as if for eternity.
We have forgotten how to live
as adults in the world for a while.
The day when you leave me,
I have to learn that again.


Jie Jie Ng, written in summer, 2003.

it's nice to be a stranger. i like being a stranger, anywhere. whether it be in the USA, Singapore or anywhere else on the globe. it's even more wonderful, when you chance upon other strangers wandering around, like spectres ready to depart anytime.

he told me that he liked my eyes. I told him that i liked his nose. i kissed it all the time, as if to protect and to soothe it. everytime i wake up, i saw his eyes, staring into mine. i saw the dreamlikeness and the faraway look behind them, as if while he was gazing at me, he was also thinking about another place, a place.....far from where we were. i read that Yemenis are pretty nomadic in their lifestyle and nature.maybe it has something to do with that? or maybe not.
After dating an Arabic guy, i feel that i was introduced into something unfamiliar, yet totally familiar.he liked to sing arabic poems whenever he felt like it.i always like to surrender myself to his voice, and drown myself in those musical arabic poems and allowing the peace and the tranquility ....to fill my being.and so , for certain moments in our lives, our souls intertwined and nearly.....unite into one. a few months from now, i will certainly miss these arabian nights with an acute sense of nostalgia.

every night, in my dark little blue room in the coops, with the candle light flickering, i hear the sounds of the trains in the distance. everytime i hear it, i get a little excited about going somewhere, about sitting for long hours in the train,
knowing that i will arrive in a new unknown destination, where unpredicable things might happen and surprise me in bitter and sweet ways.

i was just walking along the dark corrider of this place, and i was thinking, how mystical, how intriguing this can be. I mean, the act of walking itself, the chance and random sights one can observe in this short journey, not to forget the thoughts that pass through your mind when you see something, whether it be a banal scene or an object that triggers certain feelings. it just seems that everytime i am in a silent spot alone, or walking along a deserted path, or just staring out of the window with the snow falling happily, there is a certain "thing", that i wish to talk about, or express, but cannot. I wonder what this elusive entity is all about. Maybe i am making a big deal out of something just so tiny, so meaningless. But nevertheless, everytime i feel it, i want to grasp it and articulate what it actually is. In spite of it's elusiveness, there is a certain force of attraction that bids me to pay attention to it. But now, it has flown away yet again, and i will be waiting for the next fateful moment, when i re-aquaint myself with it again.

yesterday evening, i was at the power center to watch the Kronos Quartet performance. It was a 90 minutes show without intermission. the last time i watched them live was in Singapore many many years ago. i really liked the way they explored sounds and images. The various aspects of the performances provided very unexpected moments to the audience, especially the few minutes when they had the enlarged quartet score on a big screen and showed it to the audience while playing it through, with just wierd sounds and pizzicato from their instruments. it's good to listen to a conventional classical music concert, but i think it's certainly refreshing to know that there are equally accomplished musicians out there who are willing to experiment with their instruments in rather unorthodox and innovative ways. this shows the flexibility of music and what one can do with a regular instrument, like the violin or cello.

today in the video class, we were shown the 3-5 minutes productions of every team in the class. our work was titled " the stranger". now that i thought about it, i feel that we should have changed the name because it seemed that we were trying to copy " the Stranger " by Albert Camus. It might have come across as being too pretentious you know, especially if our storyline did not match up to the title. It gave the audience excessive expectation, especially if they had read Camus' work.After watching it on screen, I thought that the story line may have been a little too weak and gave the audience an unnecessary amount of confusion. However, i really liked some of the shots we made, especially in an interesting and eerie- looking alleyway next to the American Spoon along Liberty Street Ann Arbor. The shots made the portagonist appeared to be truly estranged from the society. The beautiful grafitti on the walls of the alleyway produced some really cool effects to the video. We didn't spend too much time on the video but i think the alleyway certainly compensated for the lack of time and effort we put into the project( which i am truly ashamed to admit.) Some other projects are coming up and i am looking forward to it. I really like the video making process. It's a great way to express your inner perceptions of the outside world, and challenges the way you make use of external elements ( sometimes beyond your control) to convey your feelings. I wish I am a good artist and can paint very well what i see. But I am certainly not. So, i see video production as an alternative way to paint the world and our perceptions of it by using and modifying elements that are already in existence. I think it's also great fun to find the right kind of music for any specific scene or story.

I was supposed to do some editing in the film lab today in school but the latter was closed. So, my friend drove me all the way here, only to know that our meeting was cancelled. It's frustrating when things like that happen. I could have done better things with the time lost. Last night was fun though. After a long tedious day of work, I went out with two other friends , Mack and Sirui ( a really fun loving girl) from the coops to the bar- Touchdown cafe. It was my first time there even though i used to live opposite that bar. Well, I truly enjoyed the drinking moments with them, but i feel that I would very much prefer the atmospheres in some other clubs and bars than Touchdown, like say Delrio, Blind Pig , Conner O' Neils or Millenium Club...yah, even Club Divine in Yipsilanti. I think it's because of the kind of crowd that makes me feel this way. Hey, but i still think nothing could be compared to what we have in Singapore, ZOUK!!Well, i am "notorious" for my drinking habits, in that one bottle of beer would just drive me way beyond my limits. So yesterday, i went a little crazy, with just one bottle of Heineken. I haven't been doing this that much ever since a good korean friend of mine, Lisa went back to Seoul. Hey Lisa, if you are reading this, i wanna let you know how much i miss those drinking times with you, including the evening when we went crazy with Ryan in the streets and in the sweetwater cafe. Thanks for trying to train me to hold my alcohol better, but you know, my tolerance for beer remains miserably low up till today. Nevertheless, I believe that Mack and Sirui were pretty entertained when i became this way, not drunk, but .......buzzed. I become many times funnier than my normal self.Sirui thought i should imagine that i am drinking all the time so that this self could emerge every moment of my life...haha! After the touchdown cafe visit, we went to Pizza House and ordered three plates of Fish and Chips. That meal tasted so heavenly.....after the drink and the hunger that gripped me later that night. I had a great night, and on looking back now, even after only a few hours, everything seemed so dreamlike and surreal. Hey Lisa, i wish you were here with us! It also reminded me when i was in Conner O Neils with Jeff and Eric. After we became a little buzzed, we decided to compose one long poem, with each of us writing a line alternatingly. It was really bizarre how the poem turned out with a man ending up trying to fight an eerie looking woman in the alleyway. Sigh, now that i am working and taking classes, i can no longer do this that much and i certainly feel nostalgic about the post graduation days when i was just hanging out and having so much insane fun with people! Too much sanity drives me nuts!!

Hello there, there were some idle moments in eastern accent today, so I wrote a poem on a piece
of receipt paper. it's unpolished because it's the first draft, but i thought i would share it with anyone who
would want to read it anyway. give me your criticizms if you want.
And here it goes,

GAZING
Staring into the darkness of the night,
I felt the friendliness of the stars
touching and caressing my heart,
as if they were understanding
the secrets , hidden within me.
When I was about to depart
from the quiet hill,
a lone star caught my attention.
It appeared more nervous
than the rest of them,
as if it was longing to descend from the sky.
I blew her a kiss,
as if to let her know that
she was remembered and that
there would be a way
for a hopeful star. "

last week, i felt my body and soul being sold ....to the work at eastern accent, in spite of occassional hanging out with people and times of relaxation. It felt that i was caught in a different world, where i was longing and aching to return to the current realm i am in right now, where my mind is allowed more breathing space, to entertain other thoughts and ideas. you know, it was so tiring, that all i wanted to do after work, was to rest in Mack's arms and basically, DO NOTHING. i have also been working on the second movement from Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata, the melancholic yet hopeful melody i fell in love with after watching the" Man who wasn't there." The coops was so quiet during the spring break, that the piano room in the corner of the hallway offered me some good companionship with music. While playing Bach gave me certain tranquility and placidity, the aching melody of beethoven's Pathetique aroused certain emotions that had otherwise being repressed for quite a while.It constantly makes me realize that me , as a human being, is constanly yearning for something elusive. This yearning, is part of what makes this existence so worthwhile eventually. What is life, without these desires and longings in our heart? And certainly, music is a great way, to gain access to these emotions that are otherwise sometimes inexplicable by words or images, or essentially, suppressed.
Yesterday, i got to watch the Passion of the Christ. I have pretty mixed emotions about it. Certain scenes kept replaying in my mind after the show. There's a certain degree of grief and sadness within me today, but also an inexplicable sense of hope and triumph in my heart. That was how Mel Gibson portrayed and interpreted my beloved on screen and i certainly thank the director, for his intensity, vision, creativity and courage. Oh goodness, how do i expect myself to view crucifixion the same same way that i used to?

poems ( inspired by smoking) written by kenny, a taiwanese neighbour in my coops.thought i would share
them with you guys!



煙



唉～女孩

就別凝視著我手上的菸了吧

在下一個剎那

我是一定得點著它的

因為那顫抖的右手

此刻也點著我悲痛的思緒



呼～

其實也沒什麼

這灰白色的嘆息

不就是男人善於偽裝的眼淚

我們總在愛情的河裡浮浮沈沈

但妳見到陽光的日子，總是比我多的

夜深了

讓我的影子陪陪我吧，好嗎？

你去吧

　

Think of this as a recurring dream
that will one day come to an end.
My prayer
is that it will cease
peacefully and
silently.
=====================================================

You know, he is gone for a short trip. a special friend and i miss him quite a bit. everytime i was with him, i make some interesting discoveries about life , self and him, of course. we revealed a little of our secrets, and realized that we have somethings in common. but every time after each revelation, we felt a little more vulnerable. at least, me to him.in short, this person remains an enigma. he makes me realize that there's always something more out there, remaining to be experienced and unraveled. and so, i await his return.................

This poem is dedicated to the odd russian guy I used to play chess with in the coops. As mentioned, he is now gone with not many people knowing his whereabouts.

" The chess game between us,
offered us a glimpse
of the rhythm of our hearts.
No words were necessary,
but the mere silence of our moves,
brought us further in
the knowledge of each other."

I just watched " The Man who wasn't there" with Thorston, the guy who watches movies for his history class . It was a black and white movie, and was about the story of a barber. According to Thorston, the barber was the perfect post modern guy. Even though the movie was tragic essentially, it left me with a tranquil mood. The recurring music was the second movement from one of Beethovens' famous sonatas. It might either be Moonlight, or Pathetique sonata. Indeed, it was melancholy, but yet , there is a glimmer of hope that can be subtly felt in the music. So many things kept happening to the barber, random events that culminated in a tragic conclusion. However, it seemed that the protagonist remained untouched, not because he was strong or anything, but because he was far too detached emotionally from what was happening to him, including the suicide of his wife. Sometimes you feel sorry for the character, but at times, you just don't because they are not even hurting or crying over their plight.It does remind me of " The Trial" by Kafka and "The Stranger " by Camus. It certainly does challenge our daily attitude and approaches to certain circumstance, not that i strongly advocate emotional detachment though. I feel that it can be painful, just because we don't want to deal with the pain that may be intrinsic in our lives.

The cinematography was also very beautiful, and it's like walking through a black and white photo gallery with some really good music accompanying each scene. It's dark, tragic yet beautiful and comical at the same time. I had a great time.

a short poem to Jesus Christ

" the drumbeat of Your glory
resounds every single moment
to the point where I could hear
nothing,
but the music of your love."
by your child, jie jie.

St Valentine's day is in two days' time. I read about Pastor Seth's message ( from my church Harvest) about this special occasion. I truly identify with what he has to say. As much as we are in love....with the lovers, or ex-lovers in our lives, i feel that there's nobody out there, but Jesus, who can satisfy our heart and soul.He has brought us people to love, and to be loved, but the deepest emptiness of our being, can only be filled by the infinity of His love. How can human love....be sufficient and perfect, when it's not refueled and rejunevated by a greater and higher love from God? As for me, i grow tired, in my love for myself and for people, but as far as i know, God is never weary. He is always ready to "give strenght to the weary and increase the power of the weak." ( Isaiah40:28-29) In my weariness, i have found His strength. In my utter selfishness, I have found a selfless love in Christ. As much as I am at times infatuated and head over heels in love with certain people in my life, I believe that the greatest lover.....remains Jesus Christ!! Happy Valentine's Day...to You, my God and my savior!!

today i don't have to go to class, or work. i woke up really late, since i had been spending most of the night with a friend . We went driving after midnight, and there was not a single soul in sight on the roads of ann arbor. it was the whiteness, the tranquility, felt from the safety and coziness of the car, that refreshed my otherwise fatigued mind from a whole day of class and work. what should i do today? i miss chess playing very much. now that the chess buddy had left the coops, i will now enter the Yahoo chess rooms to look for a game companion.
oh, if you guys want to have an original and interesting impressions of china through the eyes of a young american woman who is travelling first time in that country, please visit http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=jinganlin . She's Katie Beth, a friend of mine who's doing a chinese language program in Beida. Reading her journal entries make me want to take off to a foreign place again and to relive certain travelling experiences!

The dilemma of passion is that
you allow it to haunt you
daily. And in each and every moment,
you seem to enjoy the pain.
The dilemma of passion makes you
loathe its presence but at the same time,
you feel the meaninglessness,
everytime it flies away.
The dilemma of passion makes me
feel like a human being,
whose weaknes teaches me to
seek God.....in his perfection.
It makes me wonder where I am,
and what choices I should make.
The perplexity of passion is
beautiful in itself.

10th February 2003.

in the oasis, i felt his touch. i felt healed, comforted and maybe......loved.

it's hard to imagine that in winter days ann arbor, a warm oasis like this exists. but believe me, it does. Ah, the pleasant surprises life gives you at times!!

what happens when life throws you nightmares and good dreams at the same time, all in one day? i think that being in a state of emotional and mental lostness protects you from the bruises, but what will really really happen when i wake up tomorrow? these chaotic images float in my mind, and they never truly rest. Dear God, i ask and pray for PEACE. Thanks.

Today, i had my photography class from 10 am till 4 pm, which takes place every saturday. after that, i worked at the cafe from 7 pm till 11pm. Believe me, i am dead right now, but i am still not sleeping. i just finished a really entertaining show with some friends at the coops, called Pirates of the Carribean. i have never watched much of Johnny Depps' movie, but after this film, i think he's pretty cool.today at the photography class, i learnt how to develop my own films and make prints. even though i did make some silly errors, the process of doing it was very satisfying. i desire to go further in the direction of photography, for fun. Every class, the instructor will write some really interesting quotations by famous artists on the board. today, it was written :

"For me, it's hard to separate the creative process of seeing from prayer. Both can be creative acts . Both involves openness of spirit."

You know, I immediately fell in love with the quotation. I hope to remember these awesome words. I had a close muslim turkish friend who said that everytime he cooked, he would feel and see it as a prayer to his God, Allah. The result of his cooking, was because of what his heart felt. Well, I had tasted his cooking before, and it was excellent. Now that he had left for the east coast, I do miss his food and some edifying conversations with him. On top of that, he was also the best soccer player in the coops. Very proud of him!
OKay, tomorrow i don't have to work. i am now so overwhelmed with a sense of relief, and am now looking forward to my dreamlife for the next 8 hours,at least(zzzzzzzzzzz).Well, maybe it's due to a hectic lifestyle, but i have been having really odd dreams lately. I am wondering what's happening next.Good night.