after watching Faranheit 911, you are faced with two choices, either President George Bush or Micheal Moore is a liar, but of course there is possibiliy of some in between. Who would you pick, as the liar? Or the truth teller? Maybe this question is rhetorical or maybe it isn't.

i spent almost two whole days recovering from the trip. i was truly overwhelmed by fatigue and i couldn't think straight. i felt that even though my body was with me, my soul was somewhere else. i couldn't pay full attention to what was going around me, including my conversations with people.i was trying very hard to listen and concentrate, but i found myself asking the same questions twice and making silly errors along the way.yesterday evening, i decided to watch a dvd called " love actually" just to fight off the fatigue without heading straight to bed too early. it's a feel good movie with hilarious dialogues and charming on screen characters.indeed, reality was such a blur around me past two days and i am glad that i have returned to normalcy today.i am certainly a little nervous about the long flight ( at least 20 hours?) back to singapore this july because of the jetlag that i will have to experience, yet again.

Check out the Tang Quartet

check out the four cool and handsome dudes from Singapore who are doing us proud, especially the ladykiller and talented musician LeslieTan ! just click on the title and it will bring you there.

during my trip to new york, i wrote some poems.

1 What Answer?
"About love and relationships,
I have no answer.
The solution we have for
yesterday
has evaporated into an
invisible mist
and what remains
is the eternal flame
of love, battling
the power of reason."
6/21/04

2.Shapeless self
" Our shapeless thoughts sometimes
frustrate our desire for form
and certainty.
Our shapeless desires allow us
to free ourselves from the
roles we are expected to play.
Our shapeless roles create the
wandering paths in this life and
the next,
and our shapeless path
becomes the dream in
our hearts."
6/21/04

3 Simon
"Simon, what do I do
with your beauty
and charm? Do I
hold on to you as if
there is no tomorrow,
or do I let you go,
like the wind that
escapes my grasp?
When I think about
you and our past,
the image is that
of a smile."
6/21/04

i just returned to ann arbor at around 8 am this morning, after 15 hours of ride. i then slept from 10 am till 6 pm, since i didnt' get a chance to sleep at night because we had to get off a number of stops the bus was making. after waking up, i am still in a daze. i played three games of pool and ate some dumplings. other than that, i just don't feel like doing anything, but just rest in the comfort and safety of my little blue room, listening to some latin american music.i dont' know why, even though i have had dinner, i still feel hungry. you know, i miss my room so much and also the little bunny which lives in it. after returning to ann arbor, new york city didn't seem real because it was such a different world out there, with such a different pace and rhythm of life. it was like returning from crazy new orleans to ann arbor a few months ago. it takes time to reconcile with the difference.

i spent a considerable part of the day in princeton today. while M was busy with other stuffs, i planned to take a walk around the area. i chanced upon a bookstore and ended up reading for one hour. i was too physically exhausted to continue walking and being overwhelmed by new sights anyway.i first read some essays by borges. he's really an awesome latin american writer and thinker. i like him because he is so intuitive, so universal in his outlook. after that, i read a chapter about piano playing by a concert pianist himself. it's great when you write something based on experiences and not just theories, especially about music.when you have a realistic sense of what you are talking about, theories, magnificent ones, come alive. and also you don't sound pretentious.
after that, i went to the poetry section and spent most of the time there. buskowski( pardon the spelling) appears rather crude in the way he looks at things, but the poems are just so funny and original that you can't stop reading and getting influenced by him.the later part of the evening, which begun two hours ago in that train ride home, had been unbelievably sweet and happy.

will be heading towards new jersey this evening. since M has been spending the whole day looking for housing over there, we plan to spend the night in new jersey,without returning to bronx until tomorrow afternoon. i think it's time for me to head back home to ann arbor, since i have already spent almost 6 days away from it. it's just that when i think about the long and tedious 18 hours bus ride back home, i just don't feel like purchasing the ticket.i went to greenwich and soho today in new york city. i bought myself a pair of black slippers for $9, which was on sale in club monaco. washington square was teeming with people today. observers,readers, street performers and chess enthusiasts filled up the place.i walked many of the streets in greenwich and soho and i am now dead tired from the hiking. it's a good thing that i have the good sunny weather to accompany me.it just makes it hard to imagine that i indeed survived the winter in michigan. when i looked at new york university, i was thinking that personally it would be really hard for me to study here. i think many things here in new york have the abolute power to distract me from the academics. however, if i am doing things like music, film or photography, new york is indeed a haven.i was thinking that chicago and new york are very similar. however, i just feel that new york posesses this exciting and unpredictable element that isn't that intensely felt in chicago.few days ago, i did some fun things by myself and also with M. together, we went to watch the broadway show The Lion King, and also visited the Natural History Museum. the next day, because M has to deal with things in new jersey, i went alone to the metropolitan museum of art and spent 4 hours there. oh my God, how i envy those who live in new york because they can always come back for more visual delights. yesterday, m and i had pretty intense quarrel over trivial stuffs, but we still wandered around and found our way to the new york public library. we then headed over to union square and sat there for a pretty long time. he did some reading while i was trying to sketch a long haired guy who was meditating a few metres away from me.someone was also giving a speech about how evil and off track President Bush was and he was certainly attracting a huge crowd. i personally felt that he was a very intelligent and passionate speaker. after the rest in union square,M and I walked all the way to chinatown and had dinner.late at night, we reconciled with a kiss. you know, i feel that sometimes, verbal communication after a fight does not work between us. however, a simple kiss can sometimes work wonders. yeh, it's magic.

it's new york i am in right now, after 15 hours of bus ride yesterday. i am staying with a friend's friend in the bronx. today, we might be checking out the natural history museum and watching a broadway show. then we will decide what else we will do. yesterday, i spent the whole afternoon and evening resting in apartment, trying desperately to recover from the fatigue of the 15 hour trip.we had home cooked middle eastern food, which was great. since everyone in the apartment was a yemenis, they were all watching the arabic channel and even though i found it refreshing at first, i just didn't understand the show and so i ended up reading the book i brought with me.

hello , here's a cool quote from an atheistic philosopher whom i admire and respect.

Nietzsche said, " You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star."

Do you agree? I think some chaos is pretty good. Hey friends, go enjoy some.

ann arbor weather is just "great". it's never boring because it fills you with surprises ( pleasant and negative ones)every single day! well, i don't really read the weather forcasts, so i never know what to expect. on wednesday, it was so bloody hot that the co-op was like a toaster oven, and then came the wonderful tornado warning in the afternoon
when i was asked to go the basement and ended up playing many games of pool with some friends.
today, it was just raining almost all day. this afternoon, i played a game of chess with an indian guy named ravi in the coop. i lost the game. sigh. but what can i do, being such a great player like him!in the evening, i went with simon to watch the basketball game between lakers and pistons with friends from his lab. you know, it was actually the first time in my entire life that i watched a complete game of basketball. i mean, being me who's never really all that into watching sports games, i actually find the game pretty intriguing and also very proud of the pistons.look at the fiery and mighty display they had on the battlefield!Go Pistons!! it makes me want to get up and play some basketball myself but i know that for quite a long time i can't because of dear Mr tentonitus still wanting to stay put.after the game, it was raining a little heavier and we cycled all the way from central campus back to the coops, at midnight and it was near total darkness.the uphill cycling up broadway was painful,especially when the raindrops were splattering relentlessly and mercilessly on your face. but before we said goodbye to each other, we kissed in the rain.that, i thought, was a little sweet reward after the brutality of the work-out.i will certainly miss him when he leaves for germany at the end of this month.it's a friendship with sweet images that i will never forget this lifetime.

I was reading a good friends blog, katie beth in her trip to China. she was just writing and contemplating and a paragraph caught my attention. it certainly struck a chord with me. i feel that it's so beautifully true....about being a christian.

Katie Beth wrote:"In Orthodoxy, C.K. Chesterton writes about the amazing thing about Christians, that we can at the same time think that we are really wonderful, the people of God, saints and royal priests and a holy nation, and also think that we are terrible sinners and scum." 

i feel that in a way, God stops a human being from being overly prideful, but at the same time, he also saves a person from excessive self loathing and self condemnation. i dare say that as a human, maintaining this balance is very difficult, but "with man this is impossible, but with God everything is possible." Cheers to you, Christ!

our relationship is never quite stable. yesterday, we had an argument again, and we didn't quite speak to each other today. i think i am a spoilt brat. sometimes, the other party has such an incredible and high amount of tolerance and patience that it thrills you to pick a fight with them. it seems so fun and painful at the same time. the silence after the arguments make me yearn more for his presence. yet at the same time, i still want to keep the tension...just to keep the fun and the pain....going.yes, think me crazy, my friend.but you know, soon enough,i would desire to apologize to him.....but not so soon.

last night, we had our goodnight kiss.
tonight, my legs intertwined with yours,
trying desperately
to keep our souls tightly bonded,
so that nothing could
get in between our hearts
whose blood and tears
had created this intensity
of love.


written, 25th May" 04.

Shapeless.

i love you and i love you not
i want to leave you for good,
but i can’t bring myself
to say goodbye.
i wish my emotion has
a clear and concrete shape
whereby i could act
easily ,
without struggle,
without pain.

jie jie, written 5/15/04 Saturday.

mack makes me feel at home and at peace with the environment. at least, nobody in the whole wide world right now makes me feel this obsession, this cruel torment of the range of fluctuating emotions i have towards him. mack may have a belly, but he has a great heart compared to many i have met. mack may not be extremely knowledgable about music, but his soul produces such awesome and melancholy music that puts all the sea monsters to rest.
mack makes me cry unlike anyone. his sadness saddens me and his happiness uplifts me. his eyes draw me closer to God, and his embrace allows me to rest from the complexities and realities of this world. he may not produce art, but being with him inspires poetic thoughts and moments within me.so, that is the gist of my love for mack.

Some cool quotations from Einstein I found on the internet.

"To raise new questions, new possibilities, to regard old questions from a new angle, requires creative imagination and marks real advances in science." (Albert Einstein).

"The most beautiful and most profound experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. To know that what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their primitive forms - this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness." ( Albert Einstein - The Merging of Spirit and Science)


" If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it."- Albert Einstein.

honestly, i am feeling stuck. i have come here, and i don’t know how to continue. i feel like a failure , as if this whole journey has been futile and pointless. yet, there is a glimmer of hope that is keeping this whole thing alive. i wonder where this hope is right now. it exists, but remains elusive. it was also this sense of hope that kept me from killing my very self in the distant past. right now, it’s about clinging on to this hope,, and to believe in this journey, even if it is unbelievable.

look at the pictures of abuse of the Iraqi prisoners. Now it makes me really upset when some people in my church, including my pastor, still remain ardent G.Bush supporters.they said that the reason was because Bush professed and demonstrated that he was a sincere, practicing Christian.i think that's a dangerous rationale they are adopting, in spite of their well meaning support for a Christian government. Because of this backing and consequently each individual vote, one stupid and dangerous man is now in power. this indirectly affects everything, including threatening the racial harmony of this world and perpetuating hatred towards Muslims . many people feel ashamed of being an american because of Bush, and i certainly feel ashamed of being a christian because of him, because he and his helpers are practicing the opposite of the teachings of Christianity. At the same time, he is also preaching lies about how compassionate and christian the Bush administration actually is. i mean, can't you help but see a blatant contradiction between words and actions?

Disillusionment With Self.

How do I make sense of this chaos within me?
How do I rid myself of all the contradictions
that visit me of late?
Bits and pieces of my emotions accumulate
to form an emerging burden,
that reveals little by little,
the haunting darkness within me.

written, April 21st 2004.

Two days ago, I went to watch a movie "Harold and Maude" with Simon, a friend in the coops. I thought that was one of the wonderful movies I have ever watched till today. It is about a very strange and odd love story between a 20 years old young man, and a 83 years old woman. Ridiculous as this may sound, the love relationship between the two is actually so convincing, moving and real, that many of the hollywood romances just seem very pale, in comparison to the latter.It reminds me that emotional and mental connection between two lovers....goes beyond age, ethinicity, national backgrounds, physical appearances and yes...even gender.When i looked at Herald and Maude in the beginning, i cringed at the idea of them being attracted to each other, much less making love!! it was uncomfortable initially. But then, strangely and powerfully, the story brought us into different situations and further stages of the relationship, and i was like, wow, they were genuinely in love and increasingly, i felt angry with the oppressive elements that came their way, including Herald's insensitive, conforming, unimaginative and unloving mother. It's a strange story with odd characters, but the strong and intense emotion of love certainly strikes accord with many who had fallen in love. Thanks to Simon who introduced me to this movie. It all started out with my conversation with him in the pool table room two weeks ago, when we were talking about our favourite movies. He named Herald and Maude as one of them and had watched it in german. When he told me the story, it was hard to understand because it was so odd. And soon enough, Michigan Theatre had a one day showing of Herald and Maude on Monday, and that's when he wanted to me to see it for myself.....and indeed, it's a unique tale that will be deeply embedded in my memory.
Simon, friend from Germany