Disillusionment With Self.

How do I make sense of this chaos within me?
How do I rid myself of all the contradictions
that visit me of late?
Bits and pieces of my emotions accumulate
to form an emerging burden,
that reveals little by little,
the haunting darkness within me.

written, April 21st 2004.

Two days ago, I went to watch a movie "Harold and Maude" with Simon, a friend in the coops. I thought that was one of the wonderful movies I have ever watched till today. It is about a very strange and odd love story between a 20 years old young man, and a 83 years old woman. Ridiculous as this may sound, the love relationship between the two is actually so convincing, moving and real, that many of the hollywood romances just seem very pale, in comparison to the latter.It reminds me that emotional and mental connection between two lovers....goes beyond age, ethinicity, national backgrounds, physical appearances and yes...even gender.When i looked at Herald and Maude in the beginning, i cringed at the idea of them being attracted to each other, much less making love!! it was uncomfortable initially. But then, strangely and powerfully, the story brought us into different situations and further stages of the relationship, and i was like, wow, they were genuinely in love and increasingly, i felt angry with the oppressive elements that came their way, including Herald's insensitive, conforming, unimaginative and unloving mother. It's a strange story with odd characters, but the strong and intense emotion of love certainly strikes accord with many who had fallen in love. Thanks to Simon who introduced me to this movie. It all started out with my conversation with him in the pool table room two weeks ago, when we were talking about our favourite movies. He named Herald and Maude as one of them and had watched it in german. When he told me the story, it was hard to understand because it was so odd. And soon enough, Michigan Theatre had a one day showing of Herald and Maude on Monday, and that's when he wanted to me to see it for myself.....and indeed, it's a unique tale that will be deeply embedded in my memory.
Simon, friend from Germany

in response to nigel kennedy's music, i wrote a short poem.


" Sometimes i would like to jump
into the deep blue sea,
and fly into the outer space,
where I could confide in the whale
and where stars will become my friends.
If my mum were to ask when I will return,
I would say, " Maybe never."
But dear mum, you need not worry,
because I will be well taken care of
by a love that i have never known."

Jie Jie, 6th April 2004.

the power of ADDICTION is destructive and painfully beautiful.how can one be cured of it?

Our reality

The world seems like an illusion
when we play in our own reality.
I take a walk with you,
and I have forgotten the past.
Rather, the bad memories,
have suddenly become
a beautiful dream.
Into the woods we run,
like kids, unafraid of the darkness
that dwells beyond the boundary.
We thought that we have found
a secret garden
and we play, as if for eternity.
We have forgotten how to live
as adults in the world for a while.
The day when you leave me,
I have to learn that again.


Jie Jie Ng, written in summer, 2003.