Tuesday, August 24, 2004

i am now here in new jersey. have been here for a couple of days. i came here in the UHaul truck Mack was driving in. the journey was tiring but nonetheless worthwhile. i booked a plane ticket this coming thursday and it would take me approximately 5 hours to land in detriot.i miss flying since i haven't done it for a while. i miss flying back home to singapore, too, even if it takes around 20 hours.i think the place i am longing for right now, is not ann arbor, or home in singapore. it is somewhere unfamiliar and unexplored, where i am coming face to face with new people and even a new culture,where i have to re-adjust myself to a novel state of existence.i wonder if i will ever reach this place this soon. i mean, ann arbor in the past for me was totally new. now, i am feeling very comfortable here to a large extent, and i am wondering if i am feeling too settled, too comfortable.of course, the main element i am enjoying most about this place would be the friendships and relationships i have formed with people that i value very much. if i were to head off to another place, this would be the thing i would miss most.
Pastor Seth from my church emailed us this quote. i thought it pretty meaningful.

People should think less about what they ought to do and more about
what they ought to be. If only their being were good, their works
shine forth brightly. Do not imagine that you can ground your
upon actions; it must rest on what you are.
Meister Eckhart

Friday, August 13, 2004

I was thinking: what am i doing here, in this place, at this moment? Have I lost a sense of what had happened, and what will happen in the future? Have I lost control of this story just because of some foolish passions? Very importantly, do I actually have the desire to regain perspective again, and to walk this path of truth and freedom? Do I really want to? You see, when you fall in love, life becomes complicated again. When you fall deeper into love, and are expected to make a choice in conflict with that love, life becomes impossible. Darker and darker the shadow of doubt looms over your sight, and deeper and deeper, you sink, into that beautiful pool of oblivion. For some moments, you forget that reality is around you. For some moments, you indulge in the temporal and almost ethereal oasis of passion. Where is this story leading to? Does it have an ending? Why have I come here anyway to this space filled with dilemmas?
You see, we now have to go back to the simple idea of hope. The glimmer of hope that reminds us of our dream beyond what we are seeing and feeling presently. If this dream had brought us here, it will bring us further. Hope is a difficult and simple thing at the same time. Hope meets us in our darkest moments, but also in our ecstacy. Our first flirtation with this dream cannot cease here. It has to continue, even if it sometimes defies reason.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Something about his culture intriuges me no end. These eight months of intensity shared with him have drawn me closer and closer to aspects of this culture. The passion, the wildness, the intimacy with nature, the free spiritedness unbounded by materialism and excessive intellectualism, the beauty of the arabic language and the strength and resilence of an indomitable soul.These are what make me fall in love with him and very naturally, with aspects of his culture. I am thankful for my relationship with him. Even though we are parting soon, because he is leaving for new jersey, I feel that I am positively influenced and transformed by my relationship with him. Being with him has revealed to me many of my strengths and weaknesses. It has also taught me how to love better, and how to handle differences that have the power to hurt and divide.
I have also learnt how to ask for forgiveness and to forgive. In short, I am honored to have encountered a wonderful soul like him. Thank you, God.


Many people think that dreams have meaning. I think sometimes they do, but many of my dreams don't make much sense. Nevertheless, I was thinking of re capturing some vague memories of my dreams I had recently and writing them down. Let's start with one of them.In one dream, I was experiencing a painful episode that a friend of mine shared with me the night before. In reality, she had confided in me a burden she was experiencing with someone she loved.That person had started dating another girl and she saw the both of them walking in front of her one day. The guy she loved seemed uncomfortable and didn't turn back to greet her, even though it seemed that he was aware of her presence. It was when she drove past them that they said hello. Now, in my dream, the person I am in love with ( whom I am seeing a lot of in real life) started dating another girl. I actually went shopping with them but I was also following behind them. He also kissed her in front of my eyes.We went to many places but I was always behind. I had conversations with the girl, but never to this guy I loved. Maybe i was jealous or upset or something.Then, in the second part of the dream, he was actually dating another girl! The previous girl was an asian american, and this time round, it's an african american. All three of us were sitting in the room this time round. The odd thing about this dream in the room was that I was using my toy bunny to talk to both of them. I wasn't communicating directly with these people, but actually talking through my bunny, like a muppet show.It was kind of a strange dream.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Recently, addiction is overtaking my life. When I look at my self, I marvel at how rapidly I am changing. I have read a lot about obession before and saw how powerful it can be in films, but to experience it for myself, is very different. Different, in a tormenting way. Different, in a self destructive way. I know that God is there, but you know, we are given free choice. I have chosen, more often than not nowadays, not to consult Him regarding this. The sense of alienation from truth, from the divine, is painfully felt. The thing about addiction is that you know you have fallen into it, but there is really not any strong or absolute desire to curb it. It grows on you, like wild fire. Don't worry, I am not taking drugs. However, addiction in all forms are still tormenting. All I am hoping is that......there will grow within me a desire to battle it. At the moment, I am resting and indulging in the daze of it all, where the line between dreams and reality is a blur and the menacing flame of passion continues to haunt me no end.