Friday, December 10, 2004

I am slowly and gradually finding my freedom in God again. " It is for freedom that Christ has set us free"!!Galatians.
There were things in my life that I refused to let go. I couldn't find my real satisfaction in Him, but in some fleeting pleasures, that i had become dangerously attached and addicted to. The process of letting go is not easy...but it's worthwhile. Now, i feel that i can continue walking this dream with Him without the former frustrating hindrance. It's a very liberating feeling. All my praises go to Him.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

did my gre this afternoon. insomnia actually happened again the night before but luckily i had some nyquil with me. was in a strange state between sleep and wakefulness the whole night but i probably got enough for me to do the test. it turned out that i really hated my verbal score. it went way below my expectations. i don't really know what happened. maybe i messed up the analogies or something.

this evening, i played some games of table tennis. i stopped using the word ping pong because some american guy in the coop told me the term was actually racist.
there were five of us playing the game, just having pure fun. then i had to go back to my work. my journalism teacher imposed a midnight dateline on all my late assignments. it's 1 am right now, and i am still two assignments behind.

Monday, October 25, 2004

i feel that time is going too fast for me. on saturday, i forgot about reality. i was out having fun with a friend who came for a visit in ann arbor from new jersey. we had lunch,went to a lovely place ( which i will name it the " secret garden"), caught a 'feel good" movie named "Shall we dance",had dinner, and went to wilburs and danced like crazy. i missed dancing so much. it's just you ,the music and its rhythm.i remembered dancing a lot back home in singapore with my sister, who is just excellent at it.

certain moments are "there" with you all the time. but there are ones which are fleeting. life trains us in such a way that we no longer expect them to happen every minute, but we learn to appreciate them with our heart and soul when we get the chance to create and experience them.

and i am off running again.........

Monday, October 11, 2004

it was a really fun weekend and i am a little sad that it's now over.
on saturday, we had H games in palmer field. mosaic, my group didn't win a single event but we had fun laughing and i took many pictures of people being caught in awkward and funny physical positions during the game.
then, i had one hour of soccer at the coop before heading off to a birthday party. my friend who used to live in the coop turned 22 this year and the party was held at her friend's apartment. i had only 3/4 can of beer but i sort of went overly gigglish again after a while. i really enjoyed the party because of the variety of people in it and it was fun seeing familiar faces too. i thought i met a pretty cute guy from ecuador who had lived in dubai for some years and then came to the states.he certainly had some pretty interesting thoughts to share about life.
on sunday, katie beth, howard and i went around downtown after church, ate american spoon ice cream, sat and lazed around in the diag and they also posed for my attempts at picture taking.later, i went to take more pictures with a classmate. unfortunately, she lost her digital camera ( that cost around $1000) on that day!
in the evening, i ate some home made german food. a friend from germany had visited ann arbor to spend time with her korean girlfriend and had invited me over for dinner.they were definitely an engaging and fun-loving couple to talk to.the german guy, thorston, was also reading a book "remains of the day" by a japanese author. i remembered sobbing while watching the movie when i was around 16 years old back home in singapore.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

darn it. i sprained my ankle at soccer yesterday. didn't think it was serious and didn't feel the sharp pain yesterday. but the whole of last night, i had insomnia because the pain came back and now, i am limping all around in the coop. on top of that, i caught the cold virus that had been around recently.what a great sunday i am having. maybe it's a good excuse for me to read some literature today since i can't go anywhere.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

i spent a quite some time doing some GRE maths today. i thought it was quite fun, but i don't know whether long term revision would create weariness and boredom. i hope not.

spent most of my time in the coop, played two hours of soccer and five rounds of pool. the dinner was pizza and sad to say, they made really bad ones today.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

I am going to a baseball game this coming Friday.A korean girl who used to live in the coops had bought the tickets and we are going together. It's in Commerica Park.Believe it or not, this is my first time attending a baseball game.I might as well bring my camera because we are supposed to show "motion" and "stop" motion in our third and fourth assignment. Hopefully, the game will allow me to do work on this. After that, we are also going to the fireworks.The only sad thing is that the weather is getting a little too cold for my comfort.

Last night, I went to my small group again. We always split into huddle groups to discuss what was on the list for that week. I had an interesting huddle group. There were a lot of openness and emotional honesty about the things we were sharing. I feel that God can really heal our deepest hurts and pains in our hearts, through time and the genuine love and concern from other people in our lives and of course, His neverending grace.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

it was a good meal at the vietnamese restaurant with a friend, at Dalat in ypsilanti this afternoon. i had spicy beef noodle soup and iced vietnamese coffee.when i worked in eastern accent few months ago in downtown ann arbor, the vietnamese coffee was popular and i had fun making it for others. however, i had never really tasted it until today. it was very sweet and soothing, but unfortunately, the caffeine hadn't been that effective coz i still felt a little sleepy. i think i am too used to one shot of expresso every day.
after that, my friend went over to his parents' to bring his beautiful german shepherd dog and we went to the riverside park at depot town. i took some pictures with the manual camera i bought for the photography class. i was trying to figure out how the combination of shutter speed and aperture works on my camera, but it still seems pretty confusing to me. but it was fun just trying to capture things in the quiet park and playing with Sheba, the dog.according to my friend, she seemed to be acting up today, appearing to be little edgy and agitated. i wonder why.maybe my friend hadn't been giving her enough attention these days.

later, there is this coop soccer game at 6 pm. we will have fun playing in the chilly weather.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

we eventually came up with the name "Mosaic" for our small group. It boiled down to two most voted ones, "e-mode" and "mosaic" and the latter got chosen.we had a lot of good and edifying discussions today as well at small group.

our german teacher decided not to give us the quiz today for the 100 words. instead, we had to prepare 200 new words for next week's quiz and to form sentences out of them. today, we learnt german grammer in the normative and accusative.i have no idea how i am going to remember this.

i feel that i am going through some sort of changes in my heart. i can't really specify what it is,and whether this temporary or for the long run.
i have five minutes left before the german class begins. we have a quiz of 100 new words today.
later this evening, there will be my weekly small group again. we are trying to come up with a name for ourselves. my favourite ones are E -class and Mosaic. E-class gives me a sense of something new and novel.Maybe it has something to do with the word E-ticket. it just makes me want to travel and explore new places and ideas.i wonder what we will come up with eventually.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

yesterday, we had "work holiday" at the coop. each member was supposed to contribute 4 hours of labour during this weekend. i ended up cleaning the kitchen with some people. it was tiring scrubbing the dirty walls and floors, but i was lucky to have kenny, my friend and neighbour, in my team because our crazy conversations had me laughing most of the time.

i watched a movie "sky captain and the world tomorrow" last night with a friend. i was feeling a little low for some reasons and i wanted to get lost in the virtual reality. however, the movie was so boring that i ended up being lost in my own little world instead.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

In Sinclair

In Sinclair
Originally uploaded by Bleusky.
This is Mack, my very dear friend who has flown to Princeton, New Jersey to teach Arabic.....and I miss him.


This is a test post from flickr, a fancy photo sharing thing.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

i am glad that i am done with classes today. wednesday's schedule is usually rather awkward. there is a class from 1- 3pm and then i have to wait 3 hours before another begins at 6 and ends at 9 pm. i went to check out the campus cafe today and they were looking for part timers. i might just apply tomorrow but the problem is they need people from 8 am till 3 pm . I am not much of a morning person. however, i am badly in need of cash.
this evening, after coming from class, i played three games of pool with kenny, my neighbour. and then i had instant noodles because there were many complaints about dinner at the coop today. i want to do some reading but i think i am too tired. i am listening to some music from the English patient soundtrack. The music aways makes me think of somewhere far away and elusive, a place i would like to go to, but a place i can't quite define in tangible terms. i think i miss mack feels that an intimate part of me is missing. i miss the embraces and gazing into his eyes. i am still trying to get used to him not being here in the coop. separation is painful, but yet so inevitable in this life.

Monday, September 13, 2004

I had my first lab in the photography class today. We were taught how to make photograms. I don't think I made a great one, but what I like about the picture was the tiny dark figure of a toy frog. It was a gift a friend got for me from New York.It looked out of place in the image, but it certainly sparked some curiosity. Unfortunately, it lost a leg.

I have my assignments for journalism and communication due the next few days. I am supposed to write about how I feel about advertisements and especially about those that "worked for me". I am certainly going to write about my experience in Times Square in New York City, where one seems to be attacked by advertisements everywhere.

I am a kinda broke, but I bought four books today! I am supposed to save up and look desperately for a part time job, and I ended up buying those books because of some compelling urges. Silly urges! Those titles are 1. Elective Affinities by Goethe 2 The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers 3 The Age of Reason by Sartre 4 Islam, a short history by Karen Armstrong.

A good friend of mine from the coop is leaving for Washington DC tomorrow. She is from China and found a job almost immediately after she graduated from the masters program in urban planning. One of the lucky few! Will certainly miss those interesting moments with her!

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

i am now here in new jersey. have been here for a couple of days. i came here in the UHaul truck Mack was driving in. the journey was tiring but nonetheless worthwhile. i booked a plane ticket this coming thursday and it would take me approximately 5 hours to land in detriot.i miss flying since i haven't done it for a while. i miss flying back home to singapore, too, even if it takes around 20 hours.i think the place i am longing for right now, is not ann arbor, or home in singapore. it is somewhere unfamiliar and unexplored, where i am coming face to face with new people and even a new culture,where i have to re-adjust myself to a novel state of existence.i wonder if i will ever reach this place this soon. i mean, ann arbor in the past for me was totally new. now, i am feeling very comfortable here to a large extent, and i am wondering if i am feeling too settled, too comfortable.of course, the main element i am enjoying most about this place would be the friendships and relationships i have formed with people that i value very much. if i were to head off to another place, this would be the thing i would miss most.
Pastor Seth from my church emailed us this quote. i thought it pretty meaningful.

People should think less about what they ought to do and more about
what they ought to be. If only their being were good, their works
shine forth brightly. Do not imagine that you can ground your
upon actions; it must rest on what you are.
Meister Eckhart

Friday, August 13, 2004

I was thinking: what am i doing here, in this place, at this moment? Have I lost a sense of what had happened, and what will happen in the future? Have I lost control of this story just because of some foolish passions? Very importantly, do I actually have the desire to regain perspective again, and to walk this path of truth and freedom? Do I really want to? You see, when you fall in love, life becomes complicated again. When you fall deeper into love, and are expected to make a choice in conflict with that love, life becomes impossible. Darker and darker the shadow of doubt looms over your sight, and deeper and deeper, you sink, into that beautiful pool of oblivion. For some moments, you forget that reality is around you. For some moments, you indulge in the temporal and almost ethereal oasis of passion. Where is this story leading to? Does it have an ending? Why have I come here anyway to this space filled with dilemmas?
You see, we now have to go back to the simple idea of hope. The glimmer of hope that reminds us of our dream beyond what we are seeing and feeling presently. If this dream had brought us here, it will bring us further. Hope is a difficult and simple thing at the same time. Hope meets us in our darkest moments, but also in our ecstacy. Our first flirtation with this dream cannot cease here. It has to continue, even if it sometimes defies reason.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Something about his culture intriuges me no end. These eight months of intensity shared with him have drawn me closer and closer to aspects of this culture. The passion, the wildness, the intimacy with nature, the free spiritedness unbounded by materialism and excessive intellectualism, the beauty of the arabic language and the strength and resilence of an indomitable soul.These are what make me fall in love with him and very naturally, with aspects of his culture. I am thankful for my relationship with him. Even though we are parting soon, because he is leaving for new jersey, I feel that I am positively influenced and transformed by my relationship with him. Being with him has revealed to me many of my strengths and weaknesses. It has also taught me how to love better, and how to handle differences that have the power to hurt and divide.
I have also learnt how to ask for forgiveness and to forgive. In short, I am honored to have encountered a wonderful soul like him. Thank you, God.


Many people think that dreams have meaning. I think sometimes they do, but many of my dreams don't make much sense. Nevertheless, I was thinking of re capturing some vague memories of my dreams I had recently and writing them down. Let's start with one of them.In one dream, I was experiencing a painful episode that a friend of mine shared with me the night before. In reality, she had confided in me a burden she was experiencing with someone she loved.That person had started dating another girl and she saw the both of them walking in front of her one day. The guy she loved seemed uncomfortable and didn't turn back to greet her, even though it seemed that he was aware of her presence. It was when she drove past them that they said hello. Now, in my dream, the person I am in love with ( whom I am seeing a lot of in real life) started dating another girl. I actually went shopping with them but I was also following behind them. He also kissed her in front of my eyes.We went to many places but I was always behind. I had conversations with the girl, but never to this guy I loved. Maybe i was jealous or upset or something.Then, in the second part of the dream, he was actually dating another girl! The previous girl was an asian american, and this time round, it's an african american. All three of us were sitting in the room this time round. The odd thing about this dream in the room was that I was using my toy bunny to talk to both of them. I wasn't communicating directly with these people, but actually talking through my bunny, like a muppet show.It was kind of a strange dream.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Recently, addiction is overtaking my life. When I look at my self, I marvel at how rapidly I am changing. I have read a lot about obession before and saw how powerful it can be in films, but to experience it for myself, is very different. Different, in a tormenting way. Different, in a self destructive way. I know that God is there, but you know, we are given free choice. I have chosen, more often than not nowadays, not to consult Him regarding this. The sense of alienation from truth, from the divine, is painfully felt. The thing about addiction is that you know you have fallen into it, but there is really not any strong or absolute desire to curb it. It grows on you, like wild fire. Don't worry, I am not taking drugs. However, addiction in all forms are still tormenting. All I am hoping is that......there will grow within me a desire to battle it. At the moment, I am resting and indulging in the daze of it all, where the line between dreams and reality is a blur and the menacing flame of passion continues to haunt me no end.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

after watching Faranheit 911, you are faced with two choices, either President George Bush or Micheal Moore is a liar, but of course there is possibiliy of some in between. Who would you pick, as the liar? Or the truth teller? Maybe this question is rhetorical or maybe it isn't.

Friday, June 25, 2004

i spent almost two whole days recovering from the trip. i was truly overwhelmed by fatigue and i couldn't think straight. i felt that even though my body was with me, my soul was somewhere else. i couldn't pay full attention to what was going around me, including my conversations with people.i was trying very hard to listen and concentrate, but i found myself asking the same questions twice and making silly errors along the way.yesterday evening, i decided to watch a dvd called " love actually" just to fight off the fatigue without heading straight to bed too early. it's a feel good movie with hilarious dialogues and charming on screen characters.indeed, reality was such a blur around me past two days and i am glad that i have returned to normalcy today.i am certainly a little nervous about the long flight ( at least 20 hours?) back to singapore this july because of the jetlag that i will have to experience, yet again.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Check out the Tang Quartet

check out the four cool and handsome dudes from Singapore who are doing us proud, especially the ladykiller and talented musician LeslieTan ! just click on the title and it will bring you there.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

during my trip to new york, i wrote some poems.

1 What Answer?
"About love and relationships,
I have no answer.
The solution we have for
has evaporated into an
invisible mist
and what remains
is the eternal flame
of love, battling
the power of reason."

2.Shapeless self
" Our shapeless thoughts sometimes
frustrate our desire for form
and certainty.
Our shapeless desires allow us
to free ourselves from the
roles we are expected to play.
Our shapeless roles create the
wandering paths in this life and
the next,
and our shapeless path
becomes the dream in
our hearts."

3 Simon
"Simon, what do I do
with your beauty
and charm? Do I
hold on to you as if
there is no tomorrow,
or do I let you go,
like the wind that
escapes my grasp?
When I think about
you and our past,
the image is that
of a smile."
i just returned to ann arbor at around 8 am this morning, after 15 hours of ride. i then slept from 10 am till 6 pm, since i didnt' get a chance to sleep at night because we had to get off a number of stops the bus was making. after waking up, i am still in a daze. i played three games of pool and ate some dumplings. other than that, i just don't feel like doing anything, but just rest in the comfort and safety of my little blue room, listening to some latin american music.i dont' know why, even though i have had dinner, i still feel hungry. you know, i miss my room so much and also the little bunny which lives in it. after returning to ann arbor, new york city didn't seem real because it was such a different world out there, with such a different pace and rhythm of life. it was like returning from crazy new orleans to ann arbor a few months ago. it takes time to reconcile with the difference.

Monday, June 21, 2004

i spent a considerable part of the day in princeton today. while M was busy with other stuffs, i planned to take a walk around the area. i chanced upon a bookstore and ended up reading for one hour. i was too physically exhausted to continue walking and being overwhelmed by new sights anyway.i first read some essays by borges. he's really an awesome latin american writer and thinker. i like him because he is so intuitive, so universal in his outlook. after that, i read a chapter about piano playing by a concert pianist himself. it's great when you write something based on experiences and not just theories, especially about music.when you have a realistic sense of what you are talking about, theories, magnificent ones, come alive. and also you don't sound pretentious.
after that, i went to the poetry section and spent most of the time there. buskowski( pardon the spelling) appears rather crude in the way he looks at things, but the poems are just so funny and original that you can't stop reading and getting influenced by him.the later part of the evening, which begun two hours ago in that train ride home, had been unbelievably sweet and happy.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

will be heading towards new jersey this evening. since M has been spending the whole day looking for housing over there, we plan to spend the night in new jersey,without returning to bronx until tomorrow afternoon. i think it's time for me to head back home to ann arbor, since i have already spent almost 6 days away from it. it's just that when i think about the long and tedious 18 hours bus ride back home, i just don't feel like purchasing the ticket.i went to greenwich and soho today in new york city. i bought myself a pair of black slippers for $9, which was on sale in club monaco. washington square was teeming with people today. observers,readers, street performers and chess enthusiasts filled up the place.i walked many of the streets in greenwich and soho and i am now dead tired from the hiking. it's a good thing that i have the good sunny weather to accompany just makes it hard to imagine that i indeed survived the winter in michigan. when i looked at new york university, i was thinking that personally it would be really hard for me to study here. i think many things here in new york have the abolute power to distract me from the academics. however, if i am doing things like music, film or photography, new york is indeed a haven.i was thinking that chicago and new york are very similar. however, i just feel that new york posesses this exciting and unpredictable element that isn't that intensely felt in chicago.few days ago, i did some fun things by myself and also with M. together, we went to watch the broadway show The Lion King, and also visited the Natural History Museum. the next day, because M has to deal with things in new jersey, i went alone to the metropolitan museum of art and spent 4 hours there. oh my God, how i envy those who live in new york because they can always come back for more visual delights. yesterday, m and i had pretty intense quarrel over trivial stuffs, but we still wandered around and found our way to the new york public library. we then headed over to union square and sat there for a pretty long time. he did some reading while i was trying to sketch a long haired guy who was meditating a few metres away from me.someone was also giving a speech about how evil and off track President Bush was and he was certainly attracting a huge crowd. i personally felt that he was a very intelligent and passionate speaker. after the rest in union square,M and I walked all the way to chinatown and had dinner.late at night, we reconciled with a kiss. you know, i feel that sometimes, verbal communication after a fight does not work between us. however, a simple kiss can sometimes work wonders. yeh, it's magic.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

it's new york i am in right now, after 15 hours of bus ride yesterday. i am staying with a friend's friend in the bronx. today, we might be checking out the natural history museum and watching a broadway show. then we will decide what else we will do. yesterday, i spent the whole afternoon and evening resting in apartment, trying desperately to recover from the fatigue of the 15 hour trip.we had home cooked middle eastern food, which was great. since everyone in the apartment was a yemenis, they were all watching the arabic channel and even though i found it refreshing at first, i just didn't understand the show and so i ended up reading the book i brought with me.

Friday, June 11, 2004

hello , here's a cool quote from an atheistic philosopher whom i admire and respect.

Nietzsche said, " You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star."

Do you agree? I think some chaos is pretty good. Hey friends, go enjoy some.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

ann arbor weather is just "great". it's never boring because it fills you with surprises ( pleasant and negative ones)every single day! well, i don't really read the weather forcasts, so i never know what to expect. on wednesday, it was so bloody hot that the co-op was like a toaster oven, and then came the wonderful tornado warning in the afternoon
when i was asked to go the basement and ended up playing many games of pool with some friends.
today, it was just raining almost all day. this afternoon, i played a game of chess with an indian guy named ravi in the coop. i lost the game. sigh. but what can i do, being such a great player like him!in the evening, i went with simon to watch the basketball game between lakers and pistons with friends from his lab. you know, it was actually the first time in my entire life that i watched a complete game of basketball. i mean, being me who's never really all that into watching sports games, i actually find the game pretty intriguing and also very proud of the pistons.look at the fiery and mighty display they had on the battlefield!Go Pistons!! it makes me want to get up and play some basketball myself but i know that for quite a long time i can't because of dear Mr tentonitus still wanting to stay put.after the game, it was raining a little heavier and we cycled all the way from central campus back to the coops, at midnight and it was near total darkness.the uphill cycling up broadway was painful,especially when the raindrops were splattering relentlessly and mercilessly on your face. but before we said goodbye to each other, we kissed in the rain.that, i thought, was a little sweet reward after the brutality of the work-out.i will certainly miss him when he leaves for germany at the end of this's a friendship with sweet images that i will never forget this lifetime.

Friday, June 04, 2004

I was reading a good friends blog, katie beth in her trip to China. she was just writing and contemplating and a paragraph caught my attention. it certainly struck a chord with me. i feel that it's so beautifully true....about being a christian.

Katie Beth wrote:"In Orthodoxy, C.K. Chesterton writes about the amazing thing about Christians, that we can at the same time think that we are really wonderful, the people of God, saints and royal priests and a holy nation, and also think that we are terrible sinners and scum." 

i feel that in a way, God stops a human being from being overly prideful, but at the same time, he also saves a person from excessive self loathing and self condemnation. i dare say that as a human, maintaining this balance is very difficult, but "with man this is impossible, but with God everything is possible." Cheers to you, Christ!

our relationship is never quite stable. yesterday, we had an argument again, and we didn't quite speak to each other today. i think i am a spoilt brat. sometimes, the other party has such an incredible and high amount of tolerance and patience that it thrills you to pick a fight with them. it seems so fun and painful at the same time. the silence after the arguments make me yearn more for his presence. yet at the same time, i still want to keep the tension...just to keep the fun and the pain....going.yes, think me crazy, my friend.but you know, soon enough,i would desire to apologize to him.....but not so soon.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

last night, we had our goodnight kiss.
tonight, my legs intertwined with yours,
trying desperately
to keep our souls tightly bonded,
so that nothing could
get in between our hearts
whose blood and tears
had created this intensity
of love.

written, 25th May" 04.

Saturday, May 15, 2004


i love you and i love you not
i want to leave you for good,
but i can’t bring myself
to say goodbye.
i wish my emotion has
a clear and concrete shape
whereby i could act
easily ,
without struggle,
without pain.

jie jie, written 5/15/04 Saturday.
mack makes me feel at home and at peace with the environment. at least, nobody in the whole wide world right now makes me feel this obsession, this cruel torment of the range of fluctuating emotions i have towards him. mack may have a belly, but he has a great heart compared to many i have met. mack may not be extremely knowledgable about music, but his soul produces such awesome and melancholy music that puts all the sea monsters to rest.
mack makes me cry unlike anyone. his sadness saddens me and his happiness uplifts me. his eyes draw me closer to God, and his embrace allows me to rest from the complexities and realities of this world. he may not produce art, but being with him inspires poetic thoughts and moments within, that is the gist of my love for mack.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Some cool quotations from Einstein I found on the internet.

"To raise new questions, new possibilities, to regard old questions from a new angle, requires creative imagination and marks real advances in science." (Albert Einstein).

"The most beautiful and most profound experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. To know that what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their primitive forms - this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness." ( Albert Einstein - The Merging of Spirit and Science)

" If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it."- Albert Einstein.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

honestly, i am feeling stuck. i have come here, and i don’t know how to continue. i feel like a failure , as if this whole journey has been futile and pointless. yet, there is a glimmer of hope that is keeping this whole thing alive. i wonder where this hope is right now. it exists, but remains elusive. it was also this sense of hope that kept me from killing my very self in the distant past. right now, it’s about clinging on to this hope,, and to believe in this journey, even if it is unbelievable.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

look at the pictures of abuse of the Iraqi prisoners. Now it makes me really upset when some people in my church, including my pastor, still remain ardent G.Bush supporters.they said that the reason was because Bush professed and demonstrated that he was a sincere, practicing Christian.i think that's a dangerous rationale they are adopting, in spite of their well meaning support for a Christian government. Because of this backing and consequently each individual vote, one stupid and dangerous man is now in power. this indirectly affects everything, including threatening the racial harmony of this world and perpetuating hatred towards Muslims . many people feel ashamed of being an american because of Bush, and i certainly feel ashamed of being a christian because of him, because he and his helpers are practicing the opposite of the teachings of Christianity. At the same time, he is also preaching lies about how compassionate and christian the Bush administration actually is. i mean, can't you help but see a blatant contradiction between words and actions?

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Disillusionment With Self.

How do I make sense of this chaos within me?
How do I rid myself of all the contradictions
that visit me of late?
Bits and pieces of my emotions accumulate
to form an emerging burden,
that reveals little by little,
the haunting darkness within me.

written, April 21st 2004.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Two days ago, I went to watch a movie "Harold and Maude" with Simon, a friend in the coops. I thought that was one of the wonderful movies I have ever watched till today. It is about a very strange and odd love story between a 20 years old young man, and a 83 years old woman. Ridiculous as this may sound, the love relationship between the two is actually so convincing, moving and real, that many of the hollywood romances just seem very pale, in comparison to the latter.It reminds me that emotional and mental connection between two lovers....goes beyond age, ethinicity, national backgrounds, physical appearances and yes...even gender.When i looked at Herald and Maude in the beginning, i cringed at the idea of them being attracted to each other, much less making love!! it was uncomfortable initially. But then, strangely and powerfully, the story brought us into different situations and further stages of the relationship, and i was like, wow, they were genuinely in love and increasingly, i felt angry with the oppressive elements that came their way, including Herald's insensitive, conforming, unimaginative and unloving mother. It's a strange story with odd characters, but the strong and intense emotion of love certainly strikes accord with many who had fallen in love. Thanks to Simon who introduced me to this movie. It all started out with my conversation with him in the pool table room two weeks ago, when we were talking about our favourite movies. He named Herald and Maude as one of them and had watched it in german. When he told me the story, it was hard to understand because it was so odd. And soon enough, Michigan Theatre had a one day showing of Herald and Maude on Monday, and that's when he wanted to me to see it for myself.....and indeed, it's a unique tale that will be deeply embedded in my memory.
In Zapata Simon, friend from Germany

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

in response to nigel kennedy's music, i wrote a short poem.

" Sometimes i would like to jump
into the deep blue sea,
and fly into the outer space,
where I could confide in the whale
and where stars will become my friends.
If my mum were to ask when I will return,
I would say, " Maybe never."
But dear mum, you need not worry,
because I will be well taken care of
by a love that i have never known."

Jie Jie, 6th April 2004.

Monday, April 05, 2004

the power of ADDICTION is destructive and painfully can one be cured of it?

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Our reality

The world seems like an illusion
when we play in our own reality.
I take a walk with you,
and I have forgotten the past.
Rather, the bad memories,
have suddenly become
a beautiful dream.
Into the woods we run,
like kids, unafraid of the darkness
that dwells beyond the boundary.
We thought that we have found
a secret garden
and we play, as if for eternity.
We have forgotten how to live
as adults in the world for a while.
The day when you leave me,
I have to learn that again.

Jie Jie Ng, written in summer, 2003.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

it's nice to be a stranger. i like being a stranger, anywhere. whether it be in the USA, Singapore or anywhere else on the globe. it's even more wonderful, when you chance upon other strangers wandering around, like spectres ready to depart anytime.

he told me that he liked my eyes. I told him that i liked his nose. i kissed it all the time, as if to protect and to soothe it. everytime i wake up, i saw his eyes, staring into mine. i saw the dreamlikeness and the faraway look behind them, as if while he was gazing at me, he was also thinking about another place, a place.....far from where we were. i read that Yemenis are pretty nomadic in their lifestyle and nature.maybe it has something to do with that? or maybe not.
After dating an Arabic guy, i feel that i was introduced into something unfamiliar, yet totally familiar.he liked to sing arabic poems whenever he felt like it.i always like to surrender myself to his voice, and drown myself in those musical arabic poems and allowing the peace and the tranquility fill my being.and so , for certain moments in our lives, our souls intertwined and nearly.....unite into one. a few months from now, i will certainly miss these arabian nights with an acute sense of nostalgia.

every night, in my dark little blue room in the coops, with the candle light flickering, i hear the sounds of the trains in the distance. everytime i hear it, i get a little excited about going somewhere, about sitting for long hours in the train,
knowing that i will arrive in a new unknown destination, where unpredicable things might happen and surprise me in bitter and sweet ways.

i was just walking along the dark corrider of this place, and i was thinking, how mystical, how intriguing this can be. I mean, the act of walking itself, the chance and random sights one can observe in this short journey, not to forget the thoughts that pass through your mind when you see something, whether it be a banal scene or an object that triggers certain feelings. it just seems that everytime i am in a silent spot alone, or walking along a deserted path, or just staring out of the window with the snow falling happily, there is a certain "thing", that i wish to talk about, or express, but cannot. I wonder what this elusive entity is all about. Maybe i am making a big deal out of something just so tiny, so meaningless. But nevertheless, everytime i feel it, i want to grasp it and articulate what it actually is. In spite of it's elusiveness, there is a certain force of attraction that bids me to pay attention to it. But now, it has flown away yet again, and i will be waiting for the next fateful moment, when i re-aquaint myself with it again.

Monday, March 15, 2004

yesterday evening, i was at the power center to watch the Kronos Quartet performance. It was a 90 minutes show without intermission. the last time i watched them live was in Singapore many many years ago. i really liked the way they explored sounds and images. The various aspects of the performances provided very unexpected moments to the audience, especially the few minutes when they had the enlarged quartet score on a big screen and showed it to the audience while playing it through, with just wierd sounds and pizzicato from their instruments. it's good to listen to a conventional classical music concert, but i think it's certainly refreshing to know that there are equally accomplished musicians out there who are willing to experiment with their instruments in rather unorthodox and innovative ways. this shows the flexibility of music and what one can do with a regular instrument, like the violin or cello.

Monday, March 08, 2004

today in the video class, we were shown the 3-5 minutes productions of every team in the class. our work was titled " the stranger". now that i thought about it, i feel that we should have changed the name because it seemed that we were trying to copy " the Stranger " by Albert Camus. It might have come across as being too pretentious you know, especially if our storyline did not match up to the title. It gave the audience excessive expectation, especially if they had read Camus' work.After watching it on screen, I thought that the story line may have been a little too weak and gave the audience an unnecessary amount of confusion. However, i really liked some of the shots we made, especially in an interesting and eerie- looking alleyway next to the American Spoon along Liberty Street Ann Arbor. The shots made the portagonist appeared to be truly estranged from the society. The beautiful grafitti on the walls of the alleyway produced some really cool effects to the video. We didn't spend too much time on the video but i think the alleyway certainly compensated for the lack of time and effort we put into the project( which i am truly ashamed to admit.) Some other projects are coming up and i am looking forward to it. I really like the video making process. It's a great way to express your inner perceptions of the outside world, and challenges the way you make use of external elements ( sometimes beyond your control) to convey your feelings. I wish I am a good artist and can paint very well what i see. But I am certainly not. So, i see video production as an alternative way to paint the world and our perceptions of it by using and modifying elements that are already in existence. I think it's also great fun to find the right kind of music for any specific scene or story.

Thursday, March 04, 2004

I was supposed to do some editing in the film lab today in school but the latter was closed. So, my friend drove me all the way here, only to know that our meeting was cancelled. It's frustrating when things like that happen. I could have done better things with the time lost. Last night was fun though. After a long tedious day of work, I went out with two other friends , Mack and Sirui ( a really fun loving girl) from the coops to the bar- Touchdown cafe. It was my first time there even though i used to live opposite that bar. Well, I truly enjoyed the drinking moments with them, but i feel that I would very much prefer the atmospheres in some other clubs and bars than Touchdown, like say Delrio, Blind Pig , Conner O' Neils or Millenium Club...yah, even Club Divine in Yipsilanti. I think it's because of the kind of crowd that makes me feel this way. Hey, but i still think nothing could be compared to what we have in Singapore, ZOUK!!Well, i am "notorious" for my drinking habits, in that one bottle of beer would just drive me way beyond my limits. So yesterday, i went a little crazy, with just one bottle of Heineken. I haven't been doing this that much ever since a good korean friend of mine, Lisa went back to Seoul. Hey Lisa, if you are reading this, i wanna let you know how much i miss those drinking times with you, including the evening when we went crazy with Ryan in the streets and in the sweetwater cafe. Thanks for trying to train me to hold my alcohol better, but you know, my tolerance for beer remains miserably low up till today. Nevertheless, I believe that Mack and Sirui were pretty entertained when i became this way, not drunk, but .......buzzed. I become many times funnier than my normal self.Sirui thought i should imagine that i am drinking all the time so that this self could emerge every moment of my life...haha! After the touchdown cafe visit, we went to Pizza House and ordered three plates of Fish and Chips. That meal tasted so heavenly.....after the drink and the hunger that gripped me later that night. I had a great night, and on looking back now, even after only a few hours, everything seemed so dreamlike and surreal. Hey Lisa, i wish you were here with us! It also reminded me when i was in Conner O Neils with Jeff and Eric. After we became a little buzzed, we decided to compose one long poem, with each of us writing a line alternatingly. It was really bizarre how the poem turned out with a man ending up trying to fight an eerie looking woman in the alleyway. Sigh, now that i am working and taking classes, i can no longer do this that much and i certainly feel nostalgic about the post graduation days when i was just hanging out and having so much insane fun with people! Too much sanity drives me nuts!!

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Hello there, there were some idle moments in eastern accent today, so I wrote a poem on a piece
of receipt paper. it's unpolished because it's the first draft, but i thought i would share it with anyone who
would want to read it anyway. give me your criticizms if you want.
And here it goes,

Staring into the darkness of the night,
I felt the friendliness of the stars
touching and caressing my heart,
as if they were understanding
the secrets , hidden within me.
When I was about to depart
from the quiet hill,
a lone star caught my attention.
It appeared more nervous
than the rest of them,
as if it was longing to descend from the sky.
I blew her a kiss,
as if to let her know that
she was remembered and that
there would be a way
for a hopeful star. "

Monday, March 01, 2004

last week, i felt my body and soul being sold the work at eastern accent, in spite of occassional hanging out with people and times of relaxation. It felt that i was caught in a different world, where i was longing and aching to return to the current realm i am in right now, where my mind is allowed more breathing space, to entertain other thoughts and ideas. you know, it was so tiring, that all i wanted to do after work, was to rest in Mack's arms and basically, DO NOTHING. i have also been working on the second movement from Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata, the melancholic yet hopeful melody i fell in love with after watching the" Man who wasn't there." The coops was so quiet during the spring break, that the piano room in the corner of the hallway offered me some good companionship with music. While playing Bach gave me certain tranquility and placidity, the aching melody of beethoven's Pathetique aroused certain emotions that had otherwise being repressed for quite a while.It constantly makes me realize that me , as a human being, is constanly yearning for something elusive. This yearning, is part of what makes this existence so worthwhile eventually. What is life, without these desires and longings in our heart? And certainly, music is a great way, to gain access to these emotions that are otherwise sometimes inexplicable by words or images, or essentially, suppressed.
Yesterday, i got to watch the Passion of the Christ. I have pretty mixed emotions about it. Certain scenes kept replaying in my mind after the show. There's a certain degree of grief and sadness within me today, but also an inexplicable sense of hope and triumph in my heart. That was how Mel Gibson portrayed and interpreted my beloved on screen and i certainly thank the director, for his intensity, vision, creativity and courage. Oh goodness, how do i expect myself to view crucifixion the same same way that i used to?

Thursday, February 26, 2004

poems ( inspired by smoking) written by kenny, a taiwanese neighbour in my coops.thought i would share
them with you guys!

















Friday, February 20, 2004

Think of this as a recurring dream
that will one day come to an end.
My prayer
is that it will cease
peacefully and

You know, he is gone for a short trip. a special friend and i miss him quite a bit. everytime i was with him, i make some interesting discoveries about life , self and him, of course. we revealed a little of our secrets, and realized that we have somethings in common. but every time after each revelation, we felt a little more vulnerable. at least, me to short, this person remains an enigma. he makes me realize that there's always something more out there, remaining to be experienced and unraveled. and so, i await his return.................

Sunday, February 15, 2004

This poem is dedicated to the odd russian guy I used to play chess with in the coops. As mentioned, he is now gone with not many people knowing his whereabouts.

" The chess game between us,
offered us a glimpse
of the rhythm of our hearts.
No words were necessary,
but the mere silence of our moves,
brought us further in
the knowledge of each other."

Thursday, February 12, 2004

I just watched " The Man who wasn't there" with Thorston, the guy who watches movies for his history class . It was a black and white movie, and was about the story of a barber. According to Thorston, the barber was the perfect post modern guy. Even though the movie was tragic essentially, it left me with a tranquil mood. The recurring music was the second movement from one of Beethovens' famous sonatas. It might either be Moonlight, or Pathetique sonata. Indeed, it was melancholy, but yet , there is a glimmer of hope that can be subtly felt in the music. So many things kept happening to the barber, random events that culminated in a tragic conclusion. However, it seemed that the protagonist remained untouched, not because he was strong or anything, but because he was far too detached emotionally from what was happening to him, including the suicide of his wife. Sometimes you feel sorry for the character, but at times, you just don't because they are not even hurting or crying over their plight.It does remind me of " The Trial" by Kafka and "The Stranger " by Camus. It certainly does challenge our daily attitude and approaches to certain circumstance, not that i strongly advocate emotional detachment though. I feel that it can be painful, just because we don't want to deal with the pain that may be intrinsic in our lives.

The cinematography was also very beautiful, and it's like walking through a black and white photo gallery with some really good music accompanying each scene. It's dark, tragic yet beautiful and comical at the same time. I had a great time.
a short poem to Jesus Christ

" the drumbeat of Your glory
resounds every single moment
to the point where I could hear
but the music of your love."
by your child, jie jie.

St Valentine's day is in two days' time. I read about Pastor Seth's message ( from my church Harvest) about this special occasion. I truly identify with what he has to say. As much as we are in love....with the lovers, or ex-lovers in our lives, i feel that there's nobody out there, but Jesus, who can satisfy our heart and soul.He has brought us people to love, and to be loved, but the deepest emptiness of our being, can only be filled by the infinity of His love. How can human sufficient and perfect, when it's not refueled and rejunevated by a greater and higher love from God? As for me, i grow tired, in my love for myself and for people, but as far as i know, God is never weary. He is always ready to "give strenght to the weary and increase the power of the weak." ( Isaiah40:28-29) In my weariness, i have found His strength. In my utter selfishness, I have found a selfless love in Christ. As much as I am at times infatuated and head over heels in love with certain people in my life, I believe that the greatest lover.....remains Jesus Christ!! Happy Valentine's You, my God and my savior!!

today i don't have to go to class, or work. i woke up really late, since i had been spending most of the night with a friend . We went driving after midnight, and there was not a single soul in sight on the roads of ann arbor. it was the whiteness, the tranquility, felt from the safety and coziness of the car, that refreshed my otherwise fatigued mind from a whole day of class and work. what should i do today? i miss chess playing very much. now that the chess buddy had left the coops, i will now enter the Yahoo chess rooms to look for a game companion.
oh, if you guys want to have an original and interesting impressions of china through the eyes of a young american woman who is travelling first time in that country, please visit . She's Katie Beth, a friend of mine who's doing a chinese language program in Beida. Reading her journal entries make me want to take off to a foreign place again and to relive certain travelling experiences!

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

The dilemma of passion is that
you allow it to haunt you
daily. And in each and every moment,
you seem to enjoy the pain.
The dilemma of passion makes you
loathe its presence but at the same time,
you feel the meaninglessness,
everytime it flies away.
The dilemma of passion makes me
feel like a human being,
whose weaknes teaches me to
seek his perfection.
It makes me wonder where I am,
and what choices I should make.
The perplexity of passion is
beautiful in itself.

10th February 2003.

Monday, February 09, 2004

in the oasis, i felt his touch. i felt healed, comforted and maybe......loved.

it's hard to imagine that in winter days ann arbor, a warm oasis like this exists. but believe me, it does. Ah, the pleasant surprises life gives you at times!!

Sunday, February 01, 2004

what happens when life throws you nightmares and good dreams at the same time, all in one day? i think that being in a state of emotional and mental lostness protects you from the bruises, but what will really really happen when i wake up tomorrow? these chaotic images float in my mind, and they never truly rest. Dear God, i ask and pray for PEACE. Thanks.
Today, i had my photography class from 10 am till 4 pm, which takes place every saturday. after that, i worked at the cafe from 7 pm till 11pm. Believe me, i am dead right now, but i am still not sleeping. i just finished a really entertaining show with some friends at the coops, called Pirates of the Carribean. i have never watched much of Johnny Depps' movie, but after this film, i think he's pretty at the photography class, i learnt how to develop my own films and make prints. even though i did make some silly errors, the process of doing it was very satisfying. i desire to go further in the direction of photography, for fun. Every class, the instructor will write some really interesting quotations by famous artists on the board. today, it was written :

"For me, it's hard to separate the creative process of seeing from prayer. Both can be creative acts . Both involves openness of spirit."

You know, I immediately fell in love with the quotation. I hope to remember these awesome words. I had a close muslim turkish friend who said that everytime he cooked, he would feel and see it as a prayer to his God, Allah. The result of his cooking, was because of what his heart felt. Well, I had tasted his cooking before, and it was excellent. Now that he had left for the east coast, I do miss his food and some edifying conversations with him. On top of that, he was also the best soccer player in the coops. Very proud of him!
OKay, tomorrow i don't have to work. i am now so overwhelmed with a sense of relief, and am now looking forward to my dreamlife for the next 8 hours,at least(zzzzzzzzzzz).Well, maybe it's due to a hectic lifestyle, but i have been having really odd dreams lately. I am wondering what's happening next.Good night.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

i think chinese and indian food taste pretty good together at times. i cooked some vegetables and mushrooms and my indian neighbour also had some of her stuffs on the table and we ended up mixing two kinds of food together. i think we should have other people in the suite do their specific ethnic cooking and have a multicultural food party one day, since we have people coming from nigeria, india, taiwan, singapore, china, US and france. food offers a great way for different people to connect with one another!

tonight i will be watching LA confidential. never heard much about the show, but thorston, my german friend thinks it's really really good. i envy him because he gets to watch a couple of movies a week for the history class he is taking in UM, including the trilogy the GODFATHER. we just had an interesting discussion about "the other" over dinner. brought me good memories of the literature and art history classes i used to take as a college student. indeed, marginalized characters continue to hold a fascination for me, including the insane, homosexuals, women,
beggars, the homeless, ....and don't ask me why.

ever since i started working and taking classes, the sense and feel of time had become so drastically different. i wonder if this is in the right direction. i don't want to feel that i am bound by the minutes and seconds to the point of suffocation. that is how i feel like at times, especially the moments before i head for eight straight hours of cafe work.

Monday, January 26, 2004

the nocturnal habits are slowly fading away in my life. i am now seeing less of late nights, and more of the early hours in the day. while mourning for the loss of a cherished lifestyle, it's good to return to a life of normalcy, at least, for now.
i used to look at him watching the TV. i like to watch him lose himself, in the fascination with the images appearing in front of him. it was as if he had completely transported another realm. the sight of him....just doing that was inspiring. never had the act of watching tv been so exciting and interesting to me. even though he is now away, the memory of it stays.....

Friday, January 23, 2004

today, while i was working at the cafe, i experienced sporadic moments of laughing fits. one funny incident sparked off many others, and i thought it was rude to laugh too much in front of customers. the dillemma of laughing is that while you feel really guily and bad about laughing too much, you just can't stop doing it. you only think about the consequence later. it's like getting drunk. how can i curb this behaviour? for years and years, i tried coping with this, but these fits always happen at the most inappropriate moments in my life.i suppose i just have to accept it as part of my psychological makeup? but still, it's fun for others to watch me suffer in my uncontrollable state of giggling.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

a few minutes ago, i was thinking of this mysterious russian guy in the coops. he's almost like a myth that never really exists. we used to play chess during those nocturnal hours and sometimes watch tv and have bizzare conversations. then one day, he said goodbye without revealing his plans . the others in the coops who used to hang out with him were also clueless about where he was going and were caught by surprise by his departure. to his roomate, he only left a note saying that they might meet "sometime, somewhere." why did i mention him? i guess because i do miss his presence and am continuously intrigued by his odd and erratic behavior. i have not met anyone whose identity remains so elusive all the time. to many of us here, he is an interesting question mark. i am glad i had those encounters with him at least in this lifetime. hopefully, i will run into him again "sometime , somewhere".
coops life is great, except for the neverending house work that keeps coming your way. two days ago, after eight hours of work at the cafe, i rushed back home to do another three hours of cleaning in the kitchen. today, i spent another three hours doing the same thing.everything is mandatory. this weekend, on top of the weekly kitchen cooking duties, we have "work holiday" assigned to us, where every one is supposed to contribute four hours of work. i mean, i really don't mind doing these things. However, an intense combination of cafe job duties and coop work shifts is not the most ideal lifestyle. I must find a better way to react to these continuos chores . otherwise,the routine will only take its toll on my happiness and
mental well being.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

i think i am in dire need of some effective sleeping pills. my class and work schedules are turning my nocturnal lifestyle upside down and i feel that i am TRAPPED, in between day and night and i don't feel completely awake any of those times. Help!

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

ah, ping pong was great today.......and for now, it's time to sleep. May you, my friends , be blessed every single moment, whether you are happy or sad, or feeling just neutral.

Monday, January 12, 2004

i lost the book "madness and civilization" i was reading........can someone please tell me where it is??!!!???....feeling very mad with myself.

"Lolita" i wonder what this book is all about. people around me have been talking so much about it that i can't wait to read the story. i got the book at a used bookstore at $5.50. they said it's about an older man and a much younger girl. at least, that is the simplest summary it can get.i read the first line :
" Lolita;light of my life, fire of my loins.My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta :....."
That got me really curious, especially about what it means to fall helplessly in love in a socially unacceptable relationship. What further destruction can our passions do to us?
it's time to sleep, but there's this sense of restlessness within me that disturbs me a little. i wonder where that comes from? does it signal that certain changes have to be made? does it mean that maybe i should look at or approach certain things a little differently?i am dying to know....the antidote to these sporadic moments of restlessness.

Or should i ignore it and pretend that it is not there? Will it come back to haunt my quiet moments? We shall see. But i am rest assured that God knows.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Katie Beth and I are planning to have a fight club soon...anyone wants to join us?

For further information -especially about rules and regulations, please visit

Friday, January 09, 2004

work finished at 11 pm last night. when i returned to the coops, it felt so deserted and abandoned...and suddenly, i chanced upon three other girls wandering around and we played some pool. it was good because that jolted me out of a state of mental inertia since work for the last few hours had been kind of dull with too few customers walking in.

looking forward to watching Big Fish tomorrow afternoon with a neighbour. NO WORK tomorrow! Hooray!
strangely, everytime i run into him in the coops, my heart still misses a beat. i wish i won't see him again, but at the same time, i wish i do.
i think insomnia will remain a companion for a very long time. to me, the night is really not the time to sleep.i mean....doesn't the stillness of the night....entice you to remain wakeful? and doesn't the nausea of early mornings
force you to stay in bed as long as possible? well, not for many people, but for me, it is a reality.

i think i should go to bed, but i really don't want to .

always, in love with the night.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

written on 2nd January 2004.

"the despairing saint became an old man
who knew the secret delights of the past,
where romance, beauty and warmth
existed and where wars were prevalent.
the passing of age offered him a way
to rest in the comfort of silence and peace,
where the world became a different place,
a place far away from the touch. "
" the desire to fly and fade away, into a
world unknown,
into a place, where our identiy becomes this
elusive entity, is strong and unyielding. the
desire to cease existing in this part of the
world transports me to new realms of emotions
and thoughts that help me gain new sights and
visions, and where a new kind of beauty
surprises me. "

i have been listening a lot to this particular chinese cd by David Tao.there is a certain emotional richness and free spiritedness in his music that i am very much drawn to. he is so cool :)

oh, i notice my work schedule and realize that i will be working every evening mon - friday! i mean, i like night shifts, but i will miss dinnertimes with fellow coopers very much :(

thanks to sarah konrath, i chanced upon foucault....and i am now reading his book" madness and civilization". i am looking forward to the next chapter...."passion and delirium". i think pascal was right when he said that "men are so necessarily mad that not to be mad would amount to another kind of madness."

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

"SURELY God is my salvation,
I will trust and not be afraid,
for the Lord God is my strength
and my might;
He has become my salvation."
Isaiah 12:2

IN SPITE of the human tendency within me to wander in my emotions and
thoughts, there is the miraculous grace of God....that is sufficient for our
weaknesses! Amen!
"his power is made perfect in weaknesses!!" - Corinthians

these were poems written during the period when i fell into the emotion of month ago before the breakup.

1. " the night has become an opportunity
to create that dream with you
and when the daytime arrives,
the pain starts to evaporate and
your shadows blind my vision,
rendering me dazed."

2. " All the words shared between us
transport us to a world where
we gain new sights and visions
and where we learn more about
the beauty and darkness of love.
When we return to the outside world,
reality seems to have become
a little different and a little more

3 when a person is in love
he is puzzled by how love can
move him
and how love and make him weep
in such a beautiful way.

4 " we are all imperfect people
dealing with games in this life
always playing and always
the colors of our existence
bring us forth,
into a world unknown,
where we are required to know
how to love better."

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

i was working nightime in eastern accent today. i guess because of the cold weather today, we had very few customers and that left me with some idle moments. and therefore, this poem came to being.
...and it's titled WAITING.

" the game of waiting,
has become a time,
where inanimate objects around us,
come alive,
and when our reality fades
into a distant dream."

followed by another poem, "inspired" by the recent breakup with somebody...

" Last night when I talked to you,
I felt the pain, emerging
within my heart, and my soul
screaming out to yours.
All the time, I was hiding
beneath a face of indifference
and happiness,
so that you would think me
strong and mighty in my God.
The truth, I am telling you,
is that every night on my bed,
your imaginary presence
creeps back into my sleep,
uttering, " I love you."