random thoughts on a sunday

some people are watching the oscars in the lounge. two of them were really getting excited. i used to get rather excited, but now i don't. i think it's because i haven't been watching many recent movies to feel too strongly about who or what movie should get the award.

it was a really nice day today. nice weather. i didn't get to go to my church's service at 9.30 am this morning because it was too early. instead, i visited the other one which was just opposite the coops. it took us less than 5 minutes to get there.the worship was a little more traditional. i am very used to the worship in my church, where the music is more expressive, personal, energetic and louder. i feel that over here, the atmosphere was little more reserved. however i did enjoy the sermon. it was about anger; about how Christ has taught us how to deal with our own anger. it reminded me of how obsessive and destructive anger as an emotion had been in my life few years ago.it was my first time in that church, but i was surprised to see many familar faces. they were people whom i met long ago in ann arbor through some other friends. a few of us went out to Panera bread cafe for lunch.

somebody showed me a place today which he thought was great for picture taking. he felt that it was especially beautiful after it had snowed. it was defintely very charming and mysterious. well, i have been there during spring time before, but it certainly felt and looked different during winter. when i came back home, i obeyed my urge to head out there again, this time alone with my camera. when i was out there, the only living things i could see were the deer that spotted me and ran away and a dog that kept barking in one of the houses. there were a few homes, but not a soul was in sight. i used up 16 shots of my film.

i plan to head out to downtown ann arbor this week to do take some pictures. there is this alleyway which i have always been drawn to. its walls are filled with wierd and bizarre graffiti. i had been there with my classmates for a video project last year. sometimes, homeless people go there and talk to themselves or simply wait for people to walk past so that they could ask them for money. i will wait for safe moments when nobody is around and then i can spend time choosing some favourite angles of the place to shoot from with the camera.

Arriving on the 25th of February

the spring break has begun. this time round, i am not getting out of ann arbor because i really need to start saving,write more, and have more fun with sounds of music.however, i expect myself to be eating out quite a bit so i am nervous about how much i will be spending.

goodness.it's already late february. the weeks have gone by so swiftly. when i look back at those two months, i saw myself on the express train, zooming past the images of time and space, finally arriving at this juncture on the 25th of February. some moments were just so beautiful that i certainly yearn for them again. however, there were also moments that have filled me with some regrets; moments that i inadvertently made mistakes only to realize the consequences later. the good side of this is, of course, i learn and grow from them. i have also learnt how to deepen my trust and reliance in God. i realize that if i put my whole trust in circumstances, people or myself, i will end up rather disillusioned. no matter how best i try, there will always be times when i fail myself or others, and sometimes life's situations just go awry. the fact that God is never changing, and that His rhythm is always constant consoles me. the real and neverending source of joy for me, can only come from Him.

" The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and strengthens the powerless."
Isaiah 40:28-30

Beneath the Wheel

and so Hans Gierbenrath perished in the river. " all nausea, shame and suffering had passed from him;"
he is a fictional character created by herman hesse in "Beneath the Wheel". after reading the story, you can't help but feel sorry for him and angry with the forces that gradually destroy and stifle his free spirited soul. these forces are everywhere around us. sometimes, they exist even within ourselves. even though Gierbenrath gave up fighting and was overcome by societal hostility, he has become one of the fictional heroes in my mind. within the story, he did not really have a choice because there was nobody out there to show him an alternative way, a different world that could encourage his "emotion, instinct, and soul." the education he went through was all about "intellect" and "ambition". when he showed signs of deviating from the uniformity, he was immediately reprimanded and scorned by his peers and his authority.

the forces;they are here. outside us, and within us. we need to fight them. in the past, i hated them so much that i would rather die than to live with them. well, the reason i hated them is because i was once very hurt by them. as i grow older, i have learnt to accept their existence. at the same time, i am also learning ways to avoid and free myself from them. nowadays, i don't want to hate them anymore.

Heartbroken

i had a roll of film i wanted to develop today in the darkroom. i took many pictures yesterday and was looking forward to the development process. but then, because i wasn't thinking properly today since i had a headache from the cold, i accidentally exposed my film. all my work for the assignment had gone to waste. the gloomy weather today didn't help much too. hope to see better days ahead.

circles and dream

i skipped soccer today, thinking i would do some work. but friso, kuniko and i decided last minute to head for the art exhibition put up by the michigan art school. one of the artists who has his work exhibited lives here in the coop and has sent out an invitation. brent fogt has tiny stuffs drawn with colored pencils over some white walls in the gallery. his work actually represents the pilgrimage and hardships artists have to go through in order to arrive at a place in texas. this place contains captivating works of art by a deceased artist.
"it's about the journey", brent commented.
the tiny figures and shapes drawn scrupulously on the wall by brent also represent continents on the map. he said that when he thought about asians, the shape of the circle came into his mind. that's why, if you look at the whole picture, the majority of tiny circles indicate the asian people. it's interesting. it makes me wonder: what shapes or colors come into my mind, when i think about the americans, asians, or any particular individual for that matter? likewise, what race comes into my mind, when i think about shapeless or amorphous images?

oh, just a while ago, i was thinking about the dream i had last night. it's like a repetition of what i had a few nights ago. this time round, it was much more emotionally intense. the image...was clearer too. what, i wonder, would be the sequel to that?it's good and bad...that we are not in control of the choices we make in our dreams. we can't blame ourselves if we become a little too deviant in our behaviours.

Let us learn to dream, gentlemen; then we shall perhaps find the truth.- - - - Friedrich Kekule

the weather was good enough for us to walk around in downtown ann arbor. went to a restaurant where the chef was cooking on a stove right in front of us. we happened to sit on a semi round table with a russian couple and their kids. the funny thing was that friso, the guy i was with, sat in the exact same spot with the same couple when his parents visited him from germany few months ago. it caught him by such surprise that he didn't know how to react at first. but after that, both parties started chatting to each other.

the movie we watched after dinner was called " sideways" : one man, jack, was about to get married in a few days. his friend, miles, a writer, went with him on a trip to enjoy the last few days of jack's" freedom". they went through californian wine country and jack was determined to get laid and have fun. miles was still in love with his ex-wife and became depressed upon learning that, during the course of the trip, she got re married. they met two beautiful women during the wine tasting sessions. miles got the asian one and intended to play with her for a few days. the other women was very drawn to miles, but the man was too engrossed with thoughts about his ex-wife. the trip turned out to be quite a disaster, especially for jack. at the same time, it was also an opportunity for both of them to re-examine who they really were and to be really honest with themselves. i think it's a movie that makes me think about what it means to " go back to the basics" of our own identities.sometimes, i am carried away by certain passions and desires that blind me to what is really important. life is interesting. it takes sometimes the wrong path...to lead us to the right one.

fragments

we just finished reading the stranger by camus in our philosophy class. we are going to begin a new book, Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor E. Frankl. this guy survived Auschwitz and developed the theory of logotherapy. today, i read 50 pages of it.

somewhow, i feel that there are bits and pieces in my life that i would like to make sense of . in spite of this fragmented sense of being, there is a spiritual unity that i find consolation and comfort in.

last night, i had a very strange dream. it had to do with some sentiments of the past. nowadays, i don't have them anymore. it's just strange that they are manifested in my dream last night in such a vivid way. maybe it's a way to remind me of who i was and who i desired to be?

tomorrow evening, i will be hanging out with friso, a very interesting and energetic guy.