feelings

i miss being in the USA....already. i miss being in a liberal environment. i think i am saying this because i just came back from visiting my relatives for the Chinese New Year celebration. it was like entering a world that has grown foreign where i feel like a reluctant stranger.to be honest, i do not have a sense of belonging. i never really have.

it's okay. i am quite nomadic so it's fine for me not to feel that i don't belong in my own home, my own families, my relatives. sometimes, traditions, certain people or even we ourselves make us feel condemned for being this way. the thing is, i have always sensed this even when i was younger and there were times when i felt guilty. but i have learnt today, not to feel condemned. i am learning to be free. i don't want to justify myself to others anymore. ( " There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!!" ( Romans 8)

the mental and emotional connection was missing. this evening, i felt like a wraith without sight of anything concrete, anything tangible.

these are but my honest feelings. i can no longer hide them. i want to get out, to a place where i truly belong again, and i believe i will find it!

or maybe, there is a change of perception that can help me when such feelings emerge. maybe that is something i need to learn as a person , about ADAPTATION or submission.

we will see. ...and i believe that "the truth shall set me free" once again! Praise Him, for giving me real joy, peace and HOPE all this while. It's really awesome to fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen! " For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen...is eternal."

sharing with you

a beautiful poem by Gary Snyder, an American poet :

We are free to find our own way
Over rocks-- through trees--
Where there are no trails. The ridge and the forest
Present themselves to our eyes and feet
Which decide for themselves
In their old learned wisdom of doing
Where the wild will take us. We have
Been here before. It's more intimate somehow
Than walking the paths that lay out some route
That you stick to,
All paths are possible, many will work,
Being blocked is its own kind of pleasure,
Getting through is a joy, the side-trips
And detours show down logs and flowers,
The deer paths straight up, the squirrel tracks
Across, the outcroppings lead us on over.
Resting on treetrunks,
Stepping out on the bedrocks, angling and eyeing
Both making choices--now parting our ways--
And later rejoin; I'm right, you're right,
We come out together. Mattake, "PIne Mushroom, "
Heaves at the base of a stump. The dense matted floor
Of Red Fir needles and twigs. This is wild!
We laugh, wild for sure,
Because no place is more than another,
All places total,
And our ankles, knees, shoulders &
Haunches know right where they are.
Recall how the Dao De
Jing puts it: the trail's not the way.
No path will get you there, we're off the trail,
You and I, and we chose it! Our trips out of doors
Through the years have been practice
For this ramble together,
Deep in the mountains
Side by side,
Over rocks, through the trees.

where am i?

it's nice to get out of the comfort zone. it's not a cozy experience, of course. but every time you do something unfamiliar, something that you have never felt like doing before due to many reasons, like doubts and fear of failure, you feel that you have grown a little. that's how i sense bits and pieces of my experience in singapore have been like. anyhow, i have been here for about five and a half months, and i am still in the process of figuring things out. it's nice to get perplexed and then finally receiving the clarity at the end. there's a lot to learn in this journey both back home and into the future.
my desire for this new year is to have the opportunity to try out alternative ways to handle any situations, as opposed to the familiar ways i have been used to. another thing. i am quite a passive character at times and i want to take more initiative this year in certain aspects of my existence. well, many things are easier said than done!

nevertheless, we continue on the path.

Narnia, The New Year, and Kids

Happy New Year everyone! I had a good week just chilling, partying and spending time with friends and family, not to forget taking a seven days' break from scooping ice cream. I hope you guys experienced an awesome week of celebration as well to usher in the year 2006.

I also watched "Chronicles of Narnia" last week. It's definitely a relevant movie for me to anticipate the days ahead. I haven't got to read the book by C.S Lewis, but i would love to now that i have watched the film! The storyline is very simple and predictable. It does not really have the complexity of "Harry Potter" or "The Lord of the Rings". Yet, it is exactly the simplicity of it which is powerful. As the title tells us, the story is about the witch , the lion and the wardrobe. It is also about the adventure of four beautiful kids who inadvertently entered the land of Narnia. At the end of the story the good gains victory over evil. We all know what was going to happen at the end, yet i enjoyed every bit of the battle, the tears, the joys and the sweetness that comes after the victory. There is emotional satisfaction that comes with it.
It's a dreamland beyond the wardrobe, yet the psychological connection with the kids going through the wilderness of Narnia, battling evil forces, dealing with their own vulnerabilities, weaknesses and the occasional conflict between reason and instinct, is compelling. Many times we do not enter the wardrobe because it's not logical, just like the older siblings, who felt that way in the beginning. However, once they followed the voice of the youngest child, Lucy, their enchanting adventures begin!

Certainly an encouraging movie for dreamers.

And of course, it's good to know that kids, like Lucy in "Chronicles of Narnia", sometimes see more than we do.