Sunday, January 29, 2006

feelings

i miss being in the USA....already. i miss being in a liberal environment. i think i am saying this because i just came back from visiting my relatives for the Chinese New Year celebration. it was like entering a world that has grown foreign where i feel like a reluctant stranger.to be honest, i do not have a sense of belonging. i never really have.

it's okay. i am quite nomadic so it's fine for me not to feel that i don't belong in my own home, my own families, my relatives. sometimes, traditions, certain people or even we ourselves make us feel condemned for being this way. the thing is, i have always sensed this even when i was younger and there were times when i felt guilty. but i have learnt today, not to feel condemned. i am learning to be free. i don't want to justify myself to others anymore. ( " There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!!" ( Romans 8)

the mental and emotional connection was missing. this evening, i felt like a wraith without sight of anything concrete, anything tangible.

these are but my honest feelings. i can no longer hide them. i want to get out, to a place where i truly belong again, and i believe i will find it!

or maybe, there is a change of perception that can help me when such feelings emerge. maybe that is something i need to learn as a person , about ADAPTATION or submission.

we will see. ...and i believe that "the truth shall set me free" once again! Praise Him, for giving me real joy, peace and HOPE all this while. It's really awesome to fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen! " For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen...is eternal."

7 comments:

mysterious_girl said...

jiejie,

make use of what you have with you right now. put your skills to the best use. think of the future. these are your own people, you are them. getting upset will not help you find a way for yourself.

JJ said...

thanks mysterious girl for your encouragement:) it was one of those sporadic down moments at that time. i am actually feeling fine nowadays.

Abdul-Halim V. said...

I really hope you find happiness.

Andrew Field said...

I kind of feel this way at home, too, kind of trapped and misunderstood. I've found the best thing for me is to start doing things i enjoy, and then other things happen that help...
I hope you're feeling better, though....you are an extremely thoughtful, insightful person!

-Mordechai

JJ said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
JJ said...

hello abdul , thanks! i am much happier these days!


mordechai, you are right. i also spend quite bit of time doing things i naturally enjoy. that helps a lot.
i supposed we will all eventually find our own ways to respond to situations that we might not find very comfortable at first ! i hope you are feeling better these days too!

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