when i first came face to face with david i was rather nervous. i didn't really know what to say. i admit that i am just not that great with kids and haven't got a chance to hang out with them too much. but i have always liked to smile, and so i started smiling to david. at first he was a little wary of me , but gradually, he grinned back. and then i began making funny faces, and before i knew it, i began to like and feel comfortable with the language i was using to communicate with david. there were not many words involved, but it was definitely an interesting and fun language, with laughing, funny faces, and all that.
david is Shermaine's one year old son. i saw my friend for the first time after 2 years.the friend whom i used to travel, play music and go crazy with is now married with her one year old child and giving him her complete devotion as a full-time mother. it was a refreshing & novel feeling, just being around the two of them together.

at last,i feel mostly recovered from jet lag.took me longer than i expected!

it's my country's 40th birthday this coming Tuesday!

& so my dad was thinking of expressing some good wishes, graffiti style........

sleepless in singapore

This space lies before me, as usual.
I used to see it as a haunting entity,
ready to engulf me with its hollowness.
But now, the emptiness within it
excites me no end, and inspires within me
the desire to seek new possibilities.
Sometimes, I see strange objects that
seem out of place,and other times,
I allow my own body to enter this space,
to feel my connection to it.
That is also the moment when
the desired sense of belonging comes
into existence,within that space of
perfect nothingness.

5th of August '05

jet-lagged

i finally got home two nights ago. quite a number of things happened along the way. first, when i arrived at narita airport in tokoyo,i had my passport missing. a flight assistant went back to the plane and finally found it for me. i must have become too carried away by a conversation with a japanese lady sitting next to me. when i got back the passport, i walked a good 20 minutes in the airport to a gate that appeared really empty. I thought i had missed the flight. But later I realized I mistook the seat number on my ticket for the gate number! the gate was supposed to be just a few seconds away from where i came from! and so i hurried back and managed to get on the plane during the last call. i felt really foolish and it was certainly no fun walking the distance with a heavy backpack and two violins.
When i arrived at the singapore airport, my parents weren't there to pick me up. they had thought that my arrival time was the next day. so, i ended up calling my dad and waiting for them to arrive. after half an hour of waiting, a security guy came up to me and informed me that i might had taken somebody else's luggage( that closely resembled mine) by mistake, and i actually did! this person finally came up to me and we finally exchanged them. so, it was definitely a good thing that my parents didn't come earlier and bring me home with the wrong piece of luggage.



very strange to be back home. the lobby of the condominium, the kids' playground, the swimming pool, parking lots,etc have all been renovated and so things don't look quite the same. my parents haven't changed much though, looking and feeling as happy and contented as before. my sister and i still have many things to talk about and share, after spending more than 2 years apart. it's the second day, and things feel familiar, yet unfamiliar. i have been mostly awake late at night and very early in the morning. in the afternoon and evening, when everyone else is busy and alive with their activities, i rest in my dreamworld. even during the waking hours, my body is totally exhausted from a tedious 20 hours' journey.many things i am seeing and feeling seem like blurry and unreal images to me.

hopefully, my schedule will get back to normal soon!

packing, packing , packing.......i hope i will get to complete it before my flight on sunday!

has anyone been to the wave field located at the north campus, especially at night? i wish i could just stay there and play all night long.

mango madness

quite a long day today. went to the matthaei botanical gardens with beth and kasha this morning. after that, i spent the entire afternoon moving 13 boxes to the postal office (with some help) and filling out overwhelming number of forms for them to be shipped back home. the cost amounted to US $509 !! and then i had dinner with yoshi. when i came home, beth invited me to play a quick game of ceiling tennis with her.

yesterday, i went out with ray, hemanth and sudipa from the coops. we ate at mongolian barbecue and i really enjoyed the mango madness drink i was having. so did ray.we also had a lot of fun playing with the digital camera belonging to hemanth.

it all started with a girl eating green beans with rainbow decors this morning

adrien, a french guy living in the coop, told me about gloubi-boulga. it's a french recipe.

just a while ago, i was wondering a bit about "lines", and started googling the word. then i chanced upon this website about the Nazca lines. Check it out at http://www.crystalinks.com/nazca.html
very intriguing indeed !!

words from the last paragraph of Oracle Night, by Paul Auster:
" I had my face in my hands and was sobbing my guts out. I don't know how long I carried on like that, but even as the tears poured out of me, I was happy, happier to be alive than I had even been before. It was a happiness beyond consolation, beyond misery, beyond all the ugliness and beauty of the world. "

what is there?

Imagine....that i can look at the world through a psychedelic perspective. what would it be like? imagine that i could do it without the assistance of marijuana, or any external tool, but just through my own eyes. or would it just be a futile and foolish experience?

imagine that what i see....is only a glimmer of what lies underneath and beyond. imagine that there are many more layers to uncover. sometimes, i feel helpless, not really knowing how or where to look. other times, i feel that i am seeing things that would want me stay in that moment indefinitely, like the feeling of being in love.

i was reminded yesterday morning of the reality of the cross. what does it really mean to me now and in the future ? how will my heart respond to it at this current stage? if there is a mirror that could reflect the realities in my heart, would i really want to face it? would i be contented to see what is in there or would i draw back with disappointment and even pain? i am not certain. maybe i will know soon, or later.

quick notes

i see this road. there are quite a number of turns and signs. i should start making some decisions, intuitively again??

this evening, i saw a very odd japanese movie with some friends. i still don't know what to make of it. it made me most of the time happy, and at times, disturbed. anywayz, seiko, her boyfriend and edem made excellent japanese food today. eating good asian food certainly makes me look forward to going back home to singapore next week!

i am halfway through Oracle Night, by Paul Auster. it all begins with a blue notebook.

yesterday, a friend mentioned something about the spectrum of rainbow colors. pardon my ignorance really, but i just didn't have this strong awareness that blue is next to green. i think i knew, but it didn't click automatically in my mind. i didn't think too much about it before. but for one reason or another, this recent state of awareness means quite a bit to me.

i wish that my wakefulness late at night could last longer.

goths

yesterday, it was vivien's birthday. she invited some of us to the arbor brewing company, a pub in downtown ann arbor, for a few drinks. i had just one glass of white russian. surprisingly, this time round, i didn't get my giggling fits. maybe my tolerance had increased?
after that, we headed over to Necto, a dance club a few blocks away. there was an anniversary and therefore no entrance fee.
it felt so much like a goth party or maybe it was one? almost everyone was dressed like a goth. i had seen a small group of them hanging out at the cafeteria of my school, but it was really odd to be surrounded by so many of them in Necto.i was suddenly in another world, another culture. they remained strange to me because i had never got a chance to communicate with any one of them. it is my last month in ann arbor, and i have been here for approximately 5-6 years . therefore, i am happy that i still get to see new things. maybe if i pay more attention, i will get to see more.
when we got home, daniel, vivien's childhood friend, plucked some mulberries from the trees next to the parking lot of the coop. they tasted good. it was a sweet way to end the birthday celebration for vivien.

today, i went to watch a performance put up by Andre Meyers and his friends. Andre is a composer who lives here in the coop for the summer. one piece was composed for the soprano and the piano.they were moon songs, and andre drew inspirations from various elements, including japanese poetry about the moon, and long walks in the arboretum, one of ann arbor's beautiful parks. he also composed another piece for the cello and piano. this was inspired by the dessert andre had in one of his favourite restaurants. i was certainly impressed that he was capable of creating such moving and sophisticated music inspired by (at times simple ) elements in our daily existence.

dreams, laughter and games

two weeks ago, i had a dream about people chasing me and another guy. sometimes, i was in the identity of this guy and other times, i was separate from him. there were also moments when i was merely the observer.we merged and separated sporadically. the setting was in an old, ancient chinese society. everything around looked traditional. we started off running in ancient chinese costumes, and those people chasing us were soldiers, like in armor or something like that. after running for some time, i remember arriving all of a sudden at a contemporary society, where everyone was in modern clothing, like what we have around us today. we quickly changed into modern clothes in order to blend with the surroundings and hide from the ancient chinese soldiers pursuing us. i remember going round and round the ceiling of a very dark room, and then we heard the troops approaching. those guys were still in their traditional uniforms. their presence became rather amorphous, but still very intimidating.it was an awful feeling. the dream ended without any concrete outcome. all i experienced was the perpetual feeling of being pursued by those ancient chinese soldiers.

and then i had one of the scariest dreams two nights ago. i dreamt that some group of people were trying to kill me, because of something i was tricked into doing. i can't exactly remember what. i also remember that i was not the only one who was deceived into doing this thing. other people who fell into the trap were also in the list of those who had to be killed. i was trying to convince myself in the dream that death was not something i should be afraid of but i don't think i succeeded assuring myself of that.

this week, seiko and i are going to work on an approximately 2 minute video about FOOD; about our feelings, thoughts, impressions, experience of american, japanese and singaporean food. will there be interesting things to say and portray about food? i hope so.

i read katie beth's blog about her experiences in the coop she had yesterday. it is so funny. she has such a refreshing view of things here. i am glad that she had a good time laughing with the people at the dinner table .check it out at http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=jinganlin

on sunday, some of us went to a place called Bird park to play a game. we had to tag other people with tennis balls. it was a simple game, but it was a lot of fun. i think it's because the park provided us with pretty interesting trails. to me, the trees were exceptionally tall, and there were long periods of time when each of us had to walk and wander alone before we encountered another person from the group. the atmosphere was both peaceful and mysterious at the same time. i think it's an awesome place for extended solitary walks. i want to go there again, on my bike!


" To be aware that waking dreams it is not asleep
While it is another dream, and that the death
that our flesh goes in fear of is that death
Which comes every night and is called sleep."
- from the poem " Ars Poetica"by Borges

i reserved a ticket back home to singapore. i am still making decisions about the date. i want to be on the plane again, flying into an unknown future. i have been away from home for so long. the current impressions i have of my parents and sister are those i get from emails, brief phone calls and greeting cards. i don't know how it will really feel like to talk and hang out with them in person, and to live with them again.

i am also thinking about the secrets in my heart. i think it's quite fun to confide only in Him about certain things. there's this novel and comfortable sense of intimacy that i experience, when it feels that only He knows the stories. i mean, of course, i confide in my close friends concerns and joys that are very personal to me, but it feels nice to have this little secret place merely with Him.

"He stopped by the windmill to look up at the frosty winter stars and draw a long breath before he went inside. That kitchen with the shining windows was dear to him; but the sleeping fields and bright stars and the noble darkness were dearer still. "
-from "Neighbour Rosicky" by Willa Cather

pictures i took of the arboretum recently

this has always been a place of peace and rest for me these few years, especially during spring /summer. there are moments when i find it rather magical and inspiring too. at times, when i feel troubled, merely sitting next to the river and praying silently in my heart give me the peace and certainty that somehow, there will be an answer.

the weather was beautiful today.

a few of us went to earthen jar for some indian vegetarian food. after that, i cycled to the arboretum to take some pictures. i haven't taken any photos since my photography class ended last month. it was nice to be able to discover some new, interesting areas in the arb. when i first came to ann arbor few years back, i remembered always going to the arb whenever i felt down or depressed. it had definitely offered some kind of solace and comfort during certain dark moments.
therefore, i have always felt a kind of emotional connection to that place.

when i came back home, it was 4 pm. i couldn't get down to doing any work because i was distracted by the good weather. and so, i looked for a friend and we played tennis non-stop for 2 hours.

i was in the "garden" a couple of times and feeling that connection. I sometimes imagine that empty space before that garden came into existence. Many times i am allowed into this garden, but most of the time, i have to be taken out of it. I long to walk in it forever and i wonder when is the next time i could enter this secret place again. but honestly, life outside the garden ain't that bad. besides, i am rather used to the joy and pain of being taken into this place, and out of it again.

it's just that, i wish that the blissfulness derived from being inside the garden would last much longer.

in this heart of love, i see different colors. i see brown,yellow, blue, black, grey, orange, and also white. sometimes, they come together...to form a new color that surprises me.

certain things are beginning to make sense! but i hope i am not hallucinating.

what happens after, will be a mystery. it remains formless but true. you know, i can't wait to see the clear, green river and the pink mountains.

i am so happy that my i book is working again. it's okay to use other computers, whether they be in the coop or in the media union. but nothing beats the intimate connection i feel towards my i book that has been with me for 3 years.

yesterday, two girls told me they were feeling sad and why they were feeling this way. i wish i could help them, but realized that i had no great advice. the best thing i could do was listen to their troubled thoughts. during the times when i was feeling helpless, all i needed was somebody to listen to me, without judgment. it's okay if they didn't have answers, but i felt good and relieved just being able express the burdens in my heart.

tomorrow evening, i will be watching " the motorcycles diary" with jeff evans. i heard from some coopers that it's a really good movie. i imagine it's a story that would make me want to take off and go travelling for a very long time. we shall see.

You make me just so happy, to be here.
To breathe with You every single day,
is a secret joy shared between us.

surely there is a way, a possibility out of this.let's go further.......

dear God, please help me deal with my addictions. thank you. i think i am struggling again. hopefully, i can overcome this one with Him. sometimes, it is just so very difficult to exercise the right choice.there always lies this conflict, between reason and what we feel.

the dark elusive shadow has returned to haunt my imagination again. i thought it was a thing of the past. i am surprised that i still like it very much. i am confused. but i don't want it to stay. i would like it to go away. i would like to be free.

on the night of st patrick's day ( thursday),i drank just a bit. however, i got very buzzed and made some of them laugh. well, i normally don't celebrate st patrick's day but i happened to be invited to a farewell party for nobu in somebody's apartment. we went home in the bus and most of the UM students in it were drunk, singing like very happy people.

it's the ann arbor film festive going on. this afternoon, i went with nobu and steve to watch a 88 min film done by a guy who documented his traumatic and difficult growing up experiences. it was both poignant and disturbing at the same time. i didn't cry, but i was very saddened by how life could turn out for some people.it was kind of a relief being able to watch the film maker himself standing up on the podium after the film was over doing the Q and A sessions with the audience.i couldn't help but think about his brain damaged mother and his messed up grandparents that were portrayed in the movie. the film director doesn't seem like a very happy man to me, but i certainly think that he is a very strong, highly intelligent and sensitive soul who is able to deal with challenging and bizarre circumstances in a creative and interesting way.

it's easter sunday next week. i am getting baptized,for the first time. i wish that my parents and lovely sister could be here in ann arbor.

Miracles are not contrary to nature, but only contrary to what we know about nature. ~ St. Augustine

thursday. no class.
in the evening, i went with a few friends to watch poetry slam for the first time in my life.a co-oper is a slam poet and encourages me to go.it was held in the UM museum of art. sometimes, you can also have it in bars or informal places.

today, i had melted cheese and salami on toasted bread. i got addicted. i had 4 in the afternoon. at 11pm, i got hungry again and ate another 4 of them. i feel like eating more melted cheese now...but i don't think i should. it's now 3.19 am in the morning.i will do it when i wake up tomorrow.

i would like to take a break from dreaming

hello. i had two odd dreams for the past two nights, consecutively. a good friend of mine appeared in the first one. he happened to be one of the leaders in some sort of a "revolution". i was one of the captives. he was leading some of us prisoners to another cell, or some enclosed space like that. all the time, he was smiling at me, thinking that he was my friend and that he was doing the right thing in his role as a leader. i remembered starting to shout at him as i was being led. i accused him of allowing those ideas to deceive him, leading him to such actions. he was still convinced that he was doing things right,for the common good.
(in real life, he is a very nice friend who is kind and intelligent.)
in the second dream( which occured last night), the contents had to do with some kind of revolution going on as well.i was not captured but just running around aimlessly and anxiously, in the midst of a chaotic and confusing scene. then i met someone i knew from the coop who was with two asian girls ( whom i have never met). they were clad in some army- green uniforms. i can't remember what we said to each other. in this episode however, they appeared relaxed and were rather friendly with me.

in REALITY, this morning, my dad called at 7.30 am. i went back to bed a few minutes after. then, i had another dream of him calling me at 10am. in the dream, he said,
" how come you are still in bed at 10 am !!! is that how life in USA is like? you should come back to singapore now!" then i started arguing with him and cried a little.
pretty absurd dream, but nothing as odd as the two dreams about some sort of a revolution going on.( in real life, my dad is an extremely nice,kind and generous guy. he will never say things like that.)

we went crazy this evening. we played ping pong starting from 9.30pm. couldn't stop. just ended at 1.30 am half an hour ago.

pictures taken recently in an alleyway

fragments from spring break

ping pong is getting a little too addictive nowadays.

hopefully there's no snowing tomorrow. then i can head out and take pictures.

my small group's name is mosaic. yesterday, we shared openly and prayed for each other instead of having our regular bible study. my small group leader, john yi, has gotten engaged recently and will get married this june! he told us his story yesterday about how he had proposed to his girlfriend in new jersey recently. (rather touching and humorous at the same time.) two more couples from our group are also busy with their wedding plans.

i did some cross contour pencil drawing just now for my class. at first, i had a hard time drawing my hand. but then, it got a little better and i progressed to drawing a wine bottle, a hair dryer and the cute snoopy dog in my room. it's nice expressing my feelings with just lines; the faded, and the darker ones.

random thoughts on a sunday

some people are watching the oscars in the lounge. two of them were really getting excited. i used to get rather excited, but now i don't. i think it's because i haven't been watching many recent movies to feel too strongly about who or what movie should get the award.

it was a really nice day today. nice weather. i didn't get to go to my church's service at 9.30 am this morning because it was too early. instead, i visited the other one which was just opposite the coops. it took us less than 5 minutes to get there.the worship was a little more traditional. i am very used to the worship in my church, where the music is more expressive, personal, energetic and louder. i feel that over here, the atmosphere was little more reserved. however i did enjoy the sermon. it was about anger; about how Christ has taught us how to deal with our own anger. it reminded me of how obsessive and destructive anger as an emotion had been in my life few years ago.it was my first time in that church, but i was surprised to see many familar faces. they were people whom i met long ago in ann arbor through some other friends. a few of us went out to Panera bread cafe for lunch.

somebody showed me a place today which he thought was great for picture taking. he felt that it was especially beautiful after it had snowed. it was defintely very charming and mysterious. well, i have been there during spring time before, but it certainly felt and looked different during winter. when i came back home, i obeyed my urge to head out there again, this time alone with my camera. when i was out there, the only living things i could see were the deer that spotted me and ran away and a dog that kept barking in one of the houses. there were a few homes, but not a soul was in sight. i used up 16 shots of my film.

i plan to head out to downtown ann arbor this week to do take some pictures. there is this alleyway which i have always been drawn to. its walls are filled with wierd and bizarre graffiti. i had been there with my classmates for a video project last year. sometimes, homeless people go there and talk to themselves or simply wait for people to walk past so that they could ask them for money. i will wait for safe moments when nobody is around and then i can spend time choosing some favourite angles of the place to shoot from with the camera.

Arriving on the 25th of February

the spring break has begun. this time round, i am not getting out of ann arbor because i really need to start saving,write more, and have more fun with sounds of music.however, i expect myself to be eating out quite a bit so i am nervous about how much i will be spending.

goodness.it's already late february. the weeks have gone by so swiftly. when i look back at those two months, i saw myself on the express train, zooming past the images of time and space, finally arriving at this juncture on the 25th of February. some moments were just so beautiful that i certainly yearn for them again. however, there were also moments that have filled me with some regrets; moments that i inadvertently made mistakes only to realize the consequences later. the good side of this is, of course, i learn and grow from them. i have also learnt how to deepen my trust and reliance in God. i realize that if i put my whole trust in circumstances, people or myself, i will end up rather disillusioned. no matter how best i try, there will always be times when i fail myself or others, and sometimes life's situations just go awry. the fact that God is never changing, and that His rhythm is always constant consoles me. the real and neverending source of joy for me, can only come from Him.

" The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and strengthens the powerless."
Isaiah 40:28-30

Beneath the Wheel

and so Hans Gierbenrath perished in the river. " all nausea, shame and suffering had passed from him;"
he is a fictional character created by herman hesse in "Beneath the Wheel". after reading the story, you can't help but feel sorry for him and angry with the forces that gradually destroy and stifle his free spirited soul. these forces are everywhere around us. sometimes, they exist even within ourselves. even though Gierbenrath gave up fighting and was overcome by societal hostility, he has become one of the fictional heroes in my mind. within the story, he did not really have a choice because there was nobody out there to show him an alternative way, a different world that could encourage his "emotion, instinct, and soul." the education he went through was all about "intellect" and "ambition". when he showed signs of deviating from the uniformity, he was immediately reprimanded and scorned by his peers and his authority.

the forces;they are here. outside us, and within us. we need to fight them. in the past, i hated them so much that i would rather die than to live with them. well, the reason i hated them is because i was once very hurt by them. as i grow older, i have learnt to accept their existence. at the same time, i am also learning ways to avoid and free myself from them. nowadays, i don't want to hate them anymore.

Heartbroken

i had a roll of film i wanted to develop today in the darkroom. i took many pictures yesterday and was looking forward to the development process. but then, because i wasn't thinking properly today since i had a headache from the cold, i accidentally exposed my film. all my work for the assignment had gone to waste. the gloomy weather today didn't help much too. hope to see better days ahead.

circles and dream

i skipped soccer today, thinking i would do some work. but friso, kuniko and i decided last minute to head for the art exhibition put up by the michigan art school. one of the artists who has his work exhibited lives here in the coop and has sent out an invitation. brent fogt has tiny stuffs drawn with colored pencils over some white walls in the gallery. his work actually represents the pilgrimage and hardships artists have to go through in order to arrive at a place in texas. this place contains captivating works of art by a deceased artist.
"it's about the journey", brent commented.
the tiny figures and shapes drawn scrupulously on the wall by brent also represent continents on the map. he said that when he thought about asians, the shape of the circle came into his mind. that's why, if you look at the whole picture, the majority of tiny circles indicate the asian people. it's interesting. it makes me wonder: what shapes or colors come into my mind, when i think about the americans, asians, or any particular individual for that matter? likewise, what race comes into my mind, when i think about shapeless or amorphous images?

oh, just a while ago, i was thinking about the dream i had last night. it's like a repetition of what i had a few nights ago. this time round, it was much more emotionally intense. the image...was clearer too. what, i wonder, would be the sequel to that?it's good and bad...that we are not in control of the choices we make in our dreams. we can't blame ourselves if we become a little too deviant in our behaviours.

Let us learn to dream, gentlemen; then we shall perhaps find the truth.- - - - Friedrich Kekule

the weather was good enough for us to walk around in downtown ann arbor. went to a restaurant where the chef was cooking on a stove right in front of us. we happened to sit on a semi round table with a russian couple and their kids. the funny thing was that friso, the guy i was with, sat in the exact same spot with the same couple when his parents visited him from germany few months ago. it caught him by such surprise that he didn't know how to react at first. but after that, both parties started chatting to each other.

the movie we watched after dinner was called " sideways" : one man, jack, was about to get married in a few days. his friend, miles, a writer, went with him on a trip to enjoy the last few days of jack's" freedom". they went through californian wine country and jack was determined to get laid and have fun. miles was still in love with his ex-wife and became depressed upon learning that, during the course of the trip, she got re married. they met two beautiful women during the wine tasting sessions. miles got the asian one and intended to play with her for a few days. the other women was very drawn to miles, but the man was too engrossed with thoughts about his ex-wife. the trip turned out to be quite a disaster, especially for jack. at the same time, it was also an opportunity for both of them to re-examine who they really were and to be really honest with themselves. i think it's a movie that makes me think about what it means to " go back to the basics" of our own identities.sometimes, i am carried away by certain passions and desires that blind me to what is really important. life is interesting. it takes sometimes the wrong path...to lead us to the right one.

fragments

we just finished reading the stranger by camus in our philosophy class. we are going to begin a new book, Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor E. Frankl. this guy survived Auschwitz and developed the theory of logotherapy. today, i read 50 pages of it.

somewhow, i feel that there are bits and pieces in my life that i would like to make sense of . in spite of this fragmented sense of being, there is a spiritual unity that i find consolation and comfort in.

last night, i had a very strange dream. it had to do with some sentiments of the past. nowadays, i don't have them anymore. it's just strange that they are manifested in my dream last night in such a vivid way. maybe it's a way to remind me of who i was and who i desired to be?

tomorrow evening, i will be hanging out with friso, a very interesting and energetic guy.

Recently, I was reminded of what it means to be a child again. Well, of course, I am now a young adult. It's not good to be childish. However, life would feel a little more different, a little more soothing and interesting, if we were to allow the childlikeness within us to emerge. If we would only remember, that we were once a child. We were very happy with simple things. We knew easily what contentment was all about. It was through a couple of random images and observations recently that stirred within me this desire. First, it was my friend Shermaine's pictures of her eight month old baby in Singapore. I visit her blogs pretty often and often see cool images of her baby. What really makes it poignant is the smile of absolute contentment on her baby's face. He does not need to think about happiness, or how to be happy, but he just feels awesome. I supposed that's very natural of babies. As a person already in adulthood, I would yearn for that feeling of pure contentment. I don't know whether you would call it boring. I think in pure contentment, there is no feeling of boredom to disturb or distract us. I assume that there is a feeling of fascination instead?
Two weeks ago, I went to watch Polar Express in the IMax Theatre. It was about a boy who clung on to his belief in Santa Claus and eventually get to meet the latter. Though it's a predictable movie catered more for kids, it certainly encourages us to be childlike in our perceptions. Sometimes cynicism can prevent us from enjoying the things that can produce joy and beauty. In the movie, Santa Claus gave the boy a bell as a present. When the boy returned home, he showed it to his parents who didn't believe in Santa Claus. The bell didn't ring when his mother shook it. He said that as he grew older, many of his friends also could not hear the ring again. However, because he still believed, the bell continue to jingle for him. Well, i don't suppose i am telling myself or anyone to believe in Santa Claus. I am just saying that how much more we could see and feel, when we take away the cynicism that taints our perception of reality; the cynicism that hinders us from feeling the sense of wonder, joy, freedom and colors in this fleeting existence. Even though I am a young adult, it is really humbling to know how much i could really learn from children. Sometimes, they make me feel how much I have missed out in aspects of my life because of certain unnecessary cynicism that I refuse to let go of. I think that there is also a difference between naivety and childlikeness. I suppose life will gradually teach us the difference?

one hour ago, i finished watching the Japanese animation, "Spirited Away". it had been most inspiring. i always like to read stories about interesting and poignant character transformation of people. this story is about the journey a girl has to go through in order to save her parents, who have turned into pigs because of something they have done. it's very much like magical realism, especially the visual details the film has to offer. everything about it has been almost dreamlike and surreal. not only is it an emotionally touching experience for me, "Spirited Away" has been a most exciting visual adventure.
Watch it if you haven't!

have i told you, Jesus, that i am now more in love with You than before? i have known You for five years now. i was such a different person when i first met You few years back. i was steeped in skepticism and cynicism. my life wasn't at all abundant. I didn't know what it meant to be childlike in my faith. i was bitter about negative experiences in my life. i didn't know how to be thankful . even when i first knew You, i didn't believe everything about what You said or what Your children were telling me. but, i still stuck with You, because You had shown yourself to be a best friend. i have been through pain, and also such tremendous joy in these years with you, especially here in the USA, and You were always there. the greatest thing, is that I experienced and felt Your love, in times of despair. I also saw Your amazing grace working through the lives of the other people,especially in their times of weaknesses. for in our pride, human confidence and self righteousness, we can't see You. it's very easy for me to be tempted, to value other things more highly than i do You.You would always challenge us, many times through difficulties, to enjoy YOU more than the things of this world. i want to continue to enjoy this romance with You. through laughters, through tears, loneliness, and great companionships with other people, i want to get to know and love You better. Please let me in.....further into Your beautiful embrace.thank You for Your love, for each and everyone of us. Let's continue dancing together!

Psalm 23- 4-6
" Even though i walk through the
darkest valley, i fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall
follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
my whole life long."

looking for part time employment is really tough for an international student because i can't work off campus. but i will keep searching for ways.can't wait to play soccer tonight. right now, there are only two girls playing among many many guys.
i hope more girls show up.

Person A: Hey friend, let's go somewhere new.
Person B :Sure ! Where to?
Person A: Just hop on the train, and we will find out.

i imagine this goodbye. i imagine this flight......into somewhere magical, where the music could speak again. let's not wait, let's go.
(a random picture found online)

i knew i had to do certain things, but i didn't. i hate lame excuses. but sometimes, i fall prey to them. let's hope that i could fight them next time.

everytime i looked at the card, i kept telling myself, " you have to post this !" i had been doing that for 7 days now. today, i finally posted the greeting card with the picture of a little bunny on it to my friend, M, in New Jersey.

I didn't have classes today, but I had to go to school for two appointments. When I came back to the coop, it was snowing heavily. It didn't feel too cold, and so I decided to head out for a jog. It's really nice to have the snow falling happily on you, especially when the temperature isn't freezing. I was just staring for a few seconds vertically up at a streetlamp that illuminated the snow, and seeing and feeling the latter descending right on my face, against the dark evening sky.

yesterday, i had a class in existentialism. i am in love with the energetic atmosphere, the teacher and the interesting students in it. i wish i dont' have to drop the class because of some other requirements. i am continuosly drawn to existentialist stories and ideas. of course, i don't know this philosophy entirely well, but it is appealing on an intuitive level. I took an intro to philosophy class back in college, and existentialism was something i could respond to, emotionally and intuitively. i have read a couple of novels by existentialist writers, like The Stranger and the Myth of Sisyphus by Camus, and Nausea and the Age of Reason by Satre. Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse is one of my favourites, but i wonder if he is one of them? Both Camus and Satre believe in the idea that God does not exist. I, on the other hand, have the faith that God exists. Nevertheless, in spite of this fundamental difference, i feel that there are elements in existentialism that really strike a chord with me. After reading the stories by Camus, and Satre, i certainly feel that I have some things i could learn from them and incorporate into my interpretation of life, without compromising my faith and journey with Christ. You see, existentialists strongly desire freedom . They honestly and diligently search for it. To me, Christ is also about freedom. Maybe they have different ways of looking for or attaining freedom, but the desire or even obsession remains. Or if i am mistaken about any aspect of existentialism, please let me know.

Feel and touch it

The freedom you feel, on the wings of the eagle,
is real.Touch it, and it will be yours.
Believe in it, and you will keep it for eternity.
Just don't run away from it, as if it never exists.
Keep on searching and discover its new friends,
because the journey never fails you.
And when the" Final Destination" awaits you,
you will find youself
the happiest soul alive.

jie jie, 10th January'05
(escher)

Happy faces

Happy faces
Originally uploaded by Bleusky.

These are the two girls with me in the New York trip. This was photographed by a Korean guy, Hyon Cheol, in our group. I think it's a really cool image.

Pablo, a good friend of mine from Ecuador, has just left Ann Arbor for Texas to start his new job. Yesterday, some of us gathered together for some sort of a farewell party.
This is Pablo and me.
There was a bonfire going on at the coop, and it was one of the best ones i have ever had. It was just so soothing and peaceful, staring at the fire, and sometimes eating melted marshmellows in the snow. Pablo made a few of us Tequila Sunrise. I drank quite a bit since it tasted so good, like orange juice. The result was that I got pretty buzzed again and started making everyone laugh. A friend thought that I was really drunk but I sort of denied it.

We also had a crazy snowfight, the second major one since I made a trip to Detroit two years ago. It got pretty violent but I am glad nobody was hurt. Such beautiful and fleeting madness. Certainly a memorable way to end my winter break. Classes begin this coming Monday. This is Erin after the snowfight!

hey, i know this is going to sound corny....but i feel that i am kinda in love......
with life.

Just came back from a road trip to New York City few days ago. I went with seven people. I didn't know them very well at first, but the whole trip had allowed us to bond in a sweet and happy way. after we came back into the coops, we hung out almost every day, eating lunches, dinners and watching movies. now that school has started ( which is today) everyone is slowly getting back to his individual life and getting ready for the new semester ahead. The memories we created will certainly refresh us for the semester of work ahead.

Yesterday, i received an email from a very good friend from Singapore telling me that she had now an eight month old baby!
If anyone of you is interested in how beautiful and adorable her baby is, just go to http://offsprings.blogspot.com/. Hello Shimian, I wish i could be now in Singapore, talking to you and playing with your baby ! My friend Shimian used to be a journalist, and has now quit her job to become a full time mother. Certainly an act of nobility and selflessness!!

Today, i was just walking in the snow. I was just happy, looking at the snow falling and feeling the wind blowing across my face. I usually loathe winter. I loathe the cold and every bit of it. A friend recently suggests that i "embrace it". I am willing to try adopt a different attitude towards the weather now and see how long my capacity to appreciate it will last?

I am slowly and gradually finding my freedom in God again. " It is for freedom that Christ has set us free"!!Galatians.
There were things in my life that I refused to let go. I couldn't find my real satisfaction in Him, but in some fleeting pleasures, that i had become dangerously attached and addicted to. The process of letting go is not easy...but it's worthwhile. Now, i feel that i can continue walking this dream with Him without the former frustrating hindrance. It's a very liberating feeling. All my praises go to Him.

did my gre this afternoon. insomnia actually happened again the night before but luckily i had some nyquil with me. was in a strange state between sleep and wakefulness the whole night but i probably got enough for me to do the test. it turned out that i really hated my verbal score. it went way below my expectations. i don't really know what happened. maybe i messed up the analogies or something.

this evening, i played some games of table tennis. i stopped using the word ping pong because some american guy in the coop told me the term was actually racist.
there were five of us playing the game, just having pure fun. then i had to go back to my work. my journalism teacher imposed a midnight dateline on all my late assignments. it's 1 am right now, and i am still two assignments behind.

i feel that time is going too fast for me. on saturday, i forgot about reality. i was out having fun with a friend who came for a visit in ann arbor from new jersey. we had lunch,went to a lovely place ( which i will name it the " secret garden"), caught a 'feel good" movie named "Shall we dance",had dinner, and went to wilburs and danced like crazy. i missed dancing so much. it's just you ,the music and its rhythm.i remembered dancing a lot back home in singapore with my sister, who is just excellent at it.

certain moments are "there" with you all the time. but there are ones which are fleeting. life trains us in such a way that we no longer expect them to happen every minute, but we learn to appreciate them with our heart and soul when we get the chance to create and experience them.

and i am off running again.........

it was a really fun weekend and i am a little sad that it's now over.
on saturday, we had H games in palmer field. mosaic, my group didn't win a single event but we had fun laughing and i took many pictures of people being caught in awkward and funny physical positions during the game.
then, i had one hour of soccer at the coop before heading off to a birthday party. my friend who used to live in the coop turned 22 this year and the party was held at her friend's apartment. i had only 3/4 can of beer but i sort of went overly gigglish again after a while. i really enjoyed the party because of the variety of people in it and it was fun seeing familiar faces too. i thought i met a pretty cute guy from ecuador who had lived in dubai for some years and then came to the states.he certainly had some pretty interesting thoughts to share about life.
on sunday, katie beth, howard and i went around downtown after church, ate american spoon ice cream, sat and lazed around in the diag and they also posed for my attempts at picture taking.later, i went to take more pictures with a classmate. unfortunately, she lost her digital camera ( that cost around $1000) on that day!
in the evening, i ate some home made german food. a friend from germany had visited ann arbor to spend time with her korean girlfriend and had invited me over for dinner.they were definitely an engaging and fun-loving couple to talk to.the german guy, thorston, was also reading a book "remains of the day" by a japanese author. i remembered sobbing while watching the movie when i was around 16 years old back home in singapore.

darn it. i sprained my ankle at soccer yesterday. didn't think it was serious and didn't feel the sharp pain yesterday. but the whole of last night, i had insomnia because the pain came back and now, i am limping all around in the coop. on top of that, i caught the cold virus that had been around recently.what a great sunday i am having. maybe it's a good excuse for me to read some literature today since i can't go anywhere.

i spent a quite some time doing some GRE maths today. i thought it was quite fun, but i don't know whether long term revision would create weariness and boredom. i hope not.

spent most of my time in the coop, played two hours of soccer and five rounds of pool. the dinner was pizza and sad to say, they made really bad ones today.

I am going to a baseball game this coming Friday.A korean girl who used to live in the coops had bought the tickets and we are going together. It's in Commerica Park.Believe it or not, this is my first time attending a baseball game.I might as well bring my camera because we are supposed to show "motion" and "stop" motion in our third and fourth assignment. Hopefully, the game will allow me to do work on this. After that, we are also going to the fireworks.The only sad thing is that the weather is getting a little too cold for my comfort.

Last night, I went to my small group again. We always split into huddle groups to discuss what was on the list for that week. I had an interesting huddle group. There were a lot of openness and emotional honesty about the things we were sharing. I feel that God can really heal our deepest hurts and pains in our hearts, through time and the genuine love and concern from other people in our lives and of course, His neverending grace.

it was a good meal at the vietnamese restaurant with a friend, at Dalat in ypsilanti this afternoon. i had spicy beef noodle soup and iced vietnamese coffee.when i worked in eastern accent few months ago in downtown ann arbor, the vietnamese coffee was popular and i had fun making it for others. however, i had never really tasted it until today. it was very sweet and soothing, but unfortunately, the caffeine hadn't been that effective coz i still felt a little sleepy. i think i am too used to one shot of expresso every day.
after that, my friend went over to his parents' to bring his beautiful german shepherd dog and we went to the riverside park at depot town. i took some pictures with the manual camera i bought for the photography class. i was trying to figure out how the combination of shutter speed and aperture works on my camera, but it still seems pretty confusing to me. but it was fun just trying to capture things in the quiet park and playing with Sheba, the dog.according to my friend, she seemed to be acting up today, appearing to be little edgy and agitated. i wonder why.maybe my friend hadn't been giving her enough attention these days.

later, there is this coop soccer game at 6 pm. we will have fun playing in the chilly weather.

we eventually came up with the name "Mosaic" for our small group. It boiled down to two most voted ones, "e-mode" and "mosaic" and the latter got chosen.we had a lot of good and edifying discussions today as well at small group.

our german teacher decided not to give us the quiz today for the 100 words. instead, we had to prepare 200 new words for next week's quiz and to form sentences out of them. today, we learnt german grammer in the normative and accusative.i have no idea how i am going to remember this.

i feel that i am going through some sort of changes in my heart. i can't really specify what it is,and whether this change...is temporary or for the long run.

i have five minutes left before the german class begins. we have a quiz of 100 new words today.
later this evening, there will be my weekly small group again. we are trying to come up with a name for ourselves. my favourite ones are E -class and Mosaic. E-class gives me a sense of something new and novel.Maybe it has something to do with the word E-ticket. it just makes me want to travel and explore new places and ideas.i wonder what we will come up with eventually.

yesterday, we had "work holiday" at the coop. each member was supposed to contribute 4 hours of labour during this weekend. i ended up cleaning the kitchen with some people. it was tiring scrubbing the dirty walls and floors, but i was lucky to have kenny, my friend and neighbour, in my team because our crazy conversations had me laughing most of the time.

i watched a movie "sky captain and the world tomorrow" last night with a friend. i was feeling a little low for some reasons and i wanted to get lost in the virtual reality. however, the movie was so boring that i ended up being lost in my own little world instead.

In Sinclair

In Sinclair
Originally uploaded by Bleusky.

This is Mack, my very dear friend who has flown to Princeton, New Jersey to teach Arabic.....and I miss him.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

i am glad that i am done with classes today. wednesday's schedule is usually rather awkward. there is a class from 1- 3pm and then i have to wait 3 hours before another begins at 6 and ends at 9 pm. i went to check out the campus cafe today and they were looking for part timers. i might just apply tomorrow but the problem is they need people from 8 am till 3 pm . I am not much of a morning person. however, i am badly in need of cash.
this evening, after coming from class, i played three games of pool with kenny, my neighbour. and then i had instant noodles because there were many complaints about dinner at the coop today. i want to do some reading but i think i am too tired. i am listening to some music from the English patient soundtrack. The music aways makes me think of somewhere far away and elusive, a place i would like to go to, but a place i can't quite define in tangible terms. i think i miss mack terribly.it feels that an intimate part of me is missing. i miss the embraces and gazing into his eyes. i am still trying to get used to him not being here in the coop. separation is painful, but yet so inevitable in this life.

I had my first lab in the photography class today. We were taught how to make photograms. I don't think I made a great one, but what I like about the picture was the tiny dark figure of a toy frog. It was a gift a friend got for me from New York.It looked out of place in the image, but it certainly sparked some curiosity. Unfortunately, it lost a leg.

I have my assignments for journalism and communication due the next few days. I am supposed to write about how I feel about advertisements and especially about those that "worked for me". I am certainly going to write about my experience in Times Square in New York City, where one seems to be attacked by advertisements everywhere.

I am a kinda broke, but I bought four books today! I am supposed to save up and look desperately for a part time job, and I ended up buying those books because of some compelling urges. Silly urges! Those titles are 1. Elective Affinities by Goethe 2 The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers 3 The Age of Reason by Sartre 4 Islam, a short history by Karen Armstrong.

A good friend of mine from the coop is leaving for Washington DC tomorrow. She is from China and found a job almost immediately after she graduated from the masters program in urban planning. One of the lucky few! Will certainly miss those interesting moments with her!

i am now here in new jersey. have been here for a couple of days. i came here in the UHaul truck Mack was driving in. the journey was tiring but nonetheless worthwhile. i booked a plane ticket this coming thursday and it would take me approximately 5 hours to land in detriot.i miss flying since i haven't done it for a while. i miss flying back home to singapore, too, even if it takes around 20 hours.i think the place i am longing for right now, is not ann arbor, or home in singapore. it is somewhere unfamiliar and unexplored, where i am coming face to face with new people and even a new culture,where i have to re-adjust myself to a novel state of existence.i wonder if i will ever reach this place this soon. i mean, ann arbor in the past for me was totally new. now, i am feeling very comfortable here to a large extent, and i am wondering if i am feeling too settled, too comfortable.of course, the main element i am enjoying most about this place would be the friendships and relationships i have formed with people that i value very much. if i were to head off to another place, this would be the thing i would miss most.

Pastor Seth from my church emailed us this quote. i thought it pretty meaningful.

People should think less about what they ought to do and more about
what they ought to be. If only their being were good, their works
would
shine forth brightly. Do not imagine that you can ground your
salvation
upon actions; it must rest on what you are.
...
Meister Eckhart

I was thinking: what am i doing here, in this place, at this moment? Have I lost a sense of what had happened, and what will happen in the future? Have I lost control of this story just because of some foolish passions? Very importantly, do I actually have the desire to regain perspective again, and to walk this path of truth and freedom? Do I really want to? You see, when you fall in love, life becomes complicated again. When you fall deeper into love, and are expected to make a choice in conflict with that love, life becomes impossible. Darker and darker the shadow of doubt looms over your sight, and deeper and deeper, you sink, into that beautiful pool of oblivion. For some moments, you forget that reality is around you. For some moments, you indulge in the temporal and almost ethereal oasis of passion. Where is this story leading to? Does it have an ending? Why have I come here anyway to this space filled with dilemmas?
You see, we now have to go back to the simple idea of hope. The glimmer of hope that reminds us of our dream beyond what we are seeing and feeling presently. If this dream had brought us here, it will bring us further. Hope is a difficult and simple thing at the same time. Hope meets us in our darkest moments, but also in our ecstacy. Our first flirtation with this dream cannot cease here. It has to continue, even if it sometimes defies reason.

Something about his culture intriuges me no end. These eight months of intensity shared with him have drawn me closer and closer to aspects of this culture. The passion, the wildness, the intimacy with nature, the free spiritedness unbounded by materialism and excessive intellectualism, the beauty of the arabic language and the strength and resilence of an indomitable soul.These are what make me fall in love with him and very naturally, with aspects of his culture. I am thankful for my relationship with him. Even though we are parting soon, because he is leaving for new jersey, I feel that I am positively influenced and transformed by my relationship with him. Being with him has revealed to me many of my strengths and weaknesses. It has also taught me how to love better, and how to handle differences that have the power to hurt and divide.
I have also learnt how to ask for forgiveness and to forgive. In short, I am honored to have encountered a wonderful soul like him. Thank you, God.

Dreams

Many people think that dreams have meaning. I think sometimes they do, but many of my dreams don't make much sense. Nevertheless, I was thinking of re capturing some vague memories of my dreams I had recently and writing them down. Let's start with one of them.In one dream, I was experiencing a painful episode that a friend of mine shared with me the night before. In reality, she had confided in me a burden she was experiencing with someone she loved.That person had started dating another girl and she saw the both of them walking in front of her one day. The guy she loved seemed uncomfortable and didn't turn back to greet her, even though it seemed that he was aware of her presence. It was when she drove past them that they said hello. Now, in my dream, the person I am in love with ( whom I am seeing a lot of in real life) started dating another girl. I actually went shopping with them but I was also following behind them. He also kissed her in front of my eyes.We went to many places but I was always behind. I had conversations with the girl, but never to this guy I loved. Maybe i was jealous or upset or something.Then, in the second part of the dream, he was actually dating another girl! The previous girl was an asian american, and this time round, it's an african american. All three of us were sitting in the room this time round. The odd thing about this dream in the room was that I was using my toy bunny to talk to both of them. I wasn't communicating directly with these people, but actually talking through my bunny, like a muppet show.It was kind of a strange dream.

Recently, addiction is overtaking my life. When I look at my self, I marvel at how rapidly I am changing. I have read a lot about obession before and saw how powerful it can be in films, but to experience it for myself, is very different. Different, in a tormenting way. Different, in a self destructive way. I know that God is there, but you know, we are given free choice. I have chosen, more often than not nowadays, not to consult Him regarding this. The sense of alienation from truth, from the divine, is painfully felt. The thing about addiction is that you know you have fallen into it, but there is really not any strong or absolute desire to curb it. It grows on you, like wild fire. Don't worry, I am not taking drugs. However, addiction in all forms are still tormenting. All I am hoping is that......there will grow within me a desire to battle it. At the moment, I am resting and indulging in the daze of it all, where the line between dreams and reality is a blur and the menacing flame of passion continues to haunt me no end.